Macwriter

Mac kills PC in so many areas. I find that my workflow crashes to a halt when I have to go into the office and use their Windows systems. I hesitated in downloading any Microsoft programs onto my Mac because I don’t like anything about them, how they are organized. Even using Excel, which is still far more substantial than Apple’s Numbers program, I am quick to get in and get out. The one shining Microsoft program out there is Livewriter. It is great. I does everything that a blogger needs and wants. It has two-way communication with accounts and one can write, post, and draw from with ease.

So I am trying out MacJournal. I am hoping that the latest update will address some of the workflow problems that I had. We’ll see. A big problem for me was the lack of tag support. Not that the program doesn’t use tags, it does. But that it doesn’t draw from the list of tags one has already started on an external server. Livewriter does this well. But other programs, not so much. Instead of a seamless work environment I am forced to print out a list of tags and hang it on the wall. This. is. stupid. Either that or I am stupid and I cannot figure out a workaround.

whoah

Last night we got a late hit in the bar and I wasn’t able to get out as soon as I’d like.  But I eventually got out of the bar and got home, fed the cats, and changed into some clothes.   I grabbed some tea lights and some incense and took off for a spot that I’ve been to once before for a Full Moon observance.  It isn’t the full moon really, but close.  The spot is NW of Portland on the side of a ridge, and offers enough wildness to it for me when I am in the  mood for such.  It took me about 20 minutes to get there.

When I got there I gathered my stuff and went down the trail.   I realized that I had not brought a flashlight, it was still in the truck.  I decided not to turn back forit.  As I moved along the silver beams of the moon I ame to the edge of the forest.  I stopped.  It was pitch black within.  I stood on the edge of the forest for several minutes.  I’ve walked in forests at night before… what gives?  There were no concerns of snakes or such this time… it was something else.  The wind whipped the trees around me, blowing through the limbs of the evergreens with a whooooooshing sound.  The dry limbs of other trees knocked every now and then.  I entered the forest.  It was so dark I could barely see my hand in front of me and could not see the ground at all.  I would walk a bit and then stop… walk a bit and stop.  I imagined all manner of hideous shapes in the dark, some coming at me, some lieing in wait for me, some watching me.  Disformed, disfigured, ugly shapes.  It was odd.  I was not entering the wood as a predator myself (as times past as a soldier on patrol or whatever) but humbly so.  The attitude of openness allowed the shapes to come at me in the dark.

The shapes in the dark were me… I knew they weren’t in the forest… they were inside of me and they were scary.  I turned and walked back to the truck.  As I left the forest I left the dark shapes behind.  Apparently there are things in me that I need to deal with, complexes and so forth.  Perhaps some research and readings in preparation for the upcoming New Moon.  Granted, a New Moon will be much darker than the Full Moon.  But sometimes it is easier to see in the dark when the moon is gone.  The meaning in this?  Sometimes it is easier to see our flaws and understand them if we do not hold them up against grand ideas and platitudes.

thoughts… relationships, sexuality, war, the shadow, and more coffee

Too much going on in my heart and mind for me to really write it out coherently.  But I’ll take a stab at it.

Where to begin first.  Well, perhaps with my relationship; I do not know where it stands.  It has been a bit over two months and I felt as though progress was being made.  I had worked on my openness, my communication, and my responding with verbal cues my appreciation for behaviors.  I sense, now, some resentment at constantly being told to give verbal cues, saying when I appreciate something or not, etc… and while I do not mind molding my behavior to some extent to accomodate the needs of another, I felt as though it was becoming the focus.

But this is the minor point.  The major one is sexuality.  I have been trying to overcome my unease in body image with her, and have on several instances felt pretty comfortable.  My comfort grew and I began to feel less and less as though I had a script to play out during a date.  I held her hand whenever I could, I kissed her often, I playfully grabbed her now and again, and so on.  We have not ventured into sex because this would be a big step in the relationship and we both want to be sure we are ready for it, and because I am awaiting the results of my STD tests three weeks ago.  So it was said to me that there was no passion between us.  This hit me from the blue.  We had been sitting, watching a video tape she put in the t.v. and she was laying across me.  It also brought up problems in the past with a woman in that I found it impossible to approach her sexually and dreaded her approaches to me.  All of this hit me with an emotional tidal wave and I was reeling in uncertainty.

It got worse.  Our conversation went into a philosophical area of sexuality and when I was asked if I had ever, or could ever, have an anonymous sexual encounter, I said yes.  Take out encounters where one or the other is running from or to a role or fulfilling a need, just simply a sexual act for the sake of sex alone… this caused her distress.  She did not see how I could do such a thing.  With a reaction like this I understood that I could never tell her about my many other sexual encounters where I tried to find the aggressor within me, the defensless within me, and so on.  Just the fact that I could have a healthy no-strings sexual encounter with another was shocking and troublesome to her.  I expressed that it is rare, not everyone can do it, and a person cannot have such all the time.  I am not saying that I am such a person… I’ve got issues!  But I’ve had it before and I can recall it.  Two times, Houston, I’ve enjoyed the comfort of a woman with no other baggage, no strings, and she too with me.  But in many cases where sex was possible I’ve not done so because I recogized within myself or her the needs and problems that are trying to be covered up by sex and as such I’ve said no.  This didn’t matter… that I could have anonymous sex was bothersome.

This wasn’t what I was worried about!  She comes from a religious family (Muslim) and she herself is not religious.  Scientific and logical.  I was worried that my spiritual views would be a problem with her.  It was during an earlier conversation about sexuality that she showed me openness and understanding that I felt comfortable in telling her my spirituality.  She’s expressed that she still doesn’t know what to make of it… but my sexual views trouble her.

We were at a restaurant and talking about things and I was telling her that I didnt’ regret anything in life that it all went to making the person I am now.  She said something that hit me… hard… that I was okay in killing people in order for me to be a better person (referring to my firefight in Iraq) and I had to leave the table.  I excused myself and went to the bathroom and sat in the stall and bawled like a kid.  When I thought I had gotten it together I came back out.  We paid and left.  Instead of walking to the truck we walked around the parking lot and to the back of the building.  She held my hand and let me walk.  I was hyper-vigilant and scanned rooftops and around us.  I was nervous and anxious at being out in the open and didn’t like it.  We sat down in the back alley.  A guy in a truck had taken a shortcut behind the bulding and sped up on us, engine growling, and I looked at him with great fierceness and anger.  I wanted to strike out at him.  She witnessed this emotion on me and said that it was the first time she’s ever seen me angry.  She expressed how puzzling it was for me to be such toward a person who meant me no harm, who hadn’t done anything.  Her words sounded like blame to me.  Didn’t I know this already?!  Shit!  I know it isn’t natural for me to get angry and want to lash out at innocent people who have done nothing to me.  I know I imagine percieved insults and threats!

We went to a movie.  After the movie she had said something… I can’t remember, but it was an affirmation of wanting to see me.  I kissed her hard and long.  It took her breath away and she asked why.  I told her because she didn’t throw me away.  That night, however, we had a misunderstanding.  I felt she had asked me to leave and I prepared to leave.  She hadn’t… I read it wrong.  We talked and again the themes from the night before came up and we talked about them.  It was a sticking point.  At the end, leaning close to her, I told her that I wanted to kiss her but didn’t know if she wanted me to or not.  She didn’t respond.  I didn’t kiss her goodbye as I left.  I had said that I was uncertain if she wanted to see me again because of these themes.  She didn’t know.  I didn’t call her the next day.  Two days later she called to tell me she had the ticket for Bodyworks that we got for donating blood and wanted to know what she should do with it.  No mention of anything else.

During our talk the night I left she had said that she needed more affirmation.  Basically the affirmations are to show that I am not a great sexual pervert and that I do not have great violence within me.  It hurt.  I have within me violence and perversity as I believe everyone does.  I’ve not shied from these themes and have tried to understand them.  I asked if I’ve ever shown anything but respect, tenderness, and admiration?  How is it possible that someone, me, who loves Beauty as much as I do, who finds joy in so much, has to prove that he isn’t a perverse killer?  Shouldn’t my actions and my bearing and my demeanor my look my touch my presence instill what I am feeling?  How am I presenting myself as violent and deviant?

Last night I lit some candles.  I was going to make bread and go outside for a full moon ritual.  I was tired.  My knees ached from working doubles.  My body was tired.  I wanted to sleep.  But instead I lits lots of candles and put some resins on a charcoal block and was simply at the altar.  I found myself pulling out a Rider-Waite tarot deck and asking what I needed to know to grow.  I laid out a celtic cross spread and found all the cards, save two, were either major arcana or court cards.   Among these were the King of Wands, the Page of Wands, and the two lesser cards were the 5 and 6 oif wands.  Meaning here?  I think so.  I read a little on wands and the connection of Ourobos with the Page and the King.  My mind was too tired to think and I simply put the cards up for reflection later on.  I’ll look at them in a minute.

I am reading “Romancing the Shadow” and find reflections of myslf in a few of the stories exampled from case studies.  Did I mess up in entering into this relationship under the guise of fulfilling a role and not being offensive and not exhibiting behavior/attitudes that she would find bothersome?  Perhaps she has areas of development she needs to work out as well?  Example… perhaps she could use more intuitive thinking, more feeling to balance her logical and distinctive thinking.  I don’t know… but I’ve moved out of my center and I can’t offer her anything of value in a relationship if I am not my own best self.  There is a tea recipe that I have that uses the number three in its ingredients signifying each individual and the relationship they create.  How can I have a wonderful relationship with someone if I am not my authentic self, or she her authentic self?

I do not know… but I’ve got a lot to think about and to process.  I’ve not had a counseling session in three weeks and one is coming up on Thursday.  I hope to have some sort of direction for when I go into the office that we can work on.  If only it were as simple as descending into a cave.

Full Moon

Full Moon and I went to the area that I had planned on going to, and further.  The map showed a three road intersection. Such being a place for Hecate, I went there.  I lit my candles in a circle, gave some milk and bread, and a pomegranite I cut into three pieces.  I thought it would be appropriate for the pomegranite.  If memory serves me correclty, Hecate is part of a Triple Goddess Concept, and Persephone being a part of that.  Why I did this?  I don’t know.  I saw a bin of pomegranits at the store I stopped on the way to the site. 

The ritual was clumsy.  I realized how I am far more proficient with the abstract ideals and not so good with the working ritual.  One of the themes of Nancy Watson’s book “Practical Solitary Magic” is that once you figure out your stengths, you do work in its opposite.  It meshes well with Jung’s theory of individuation.  I need more practice at ritual, raising power, etc.. as well as the creation of such.  I am gaining an interest in creating rituals. 

I remember a ritual in Dallas, my only real circle gathering where we did ritual.  It was at a Covenstead across the street from a church that wasn’t happy about having regular witch meetings across the street.  One of the patron goddesses of the covenstead was Medusa.  I remember sitting in front of a statue of Medusa in the back yard and meditating on her.  The coven members were only too happy to tell me of the gross misinterpretation of Medusa by patriarchal powers over the ages.  I do not remember the ritual, but I remember every person there dropping a stone into a cauldron and then pulling one back out.  The ritual was created by some of the middle members of the coven.  I remember thinking how neat it was that others, beside the priest or priestess, can design rituals.

I sent out emails to a couple of groups.  Hopefully one will return my email.  Or perhaps I should start one.  Perhaps there are others like me who would like a group to fellowship in and learn together.

A Morning Talk with the Goddess

August 26, 1999

It has been a while since I’ve thought about the Goddess. I made my official break with the pagan community early this year since I could not follow the flaws in their “pseudo logic/science” any longer. I concentrated on more general approaches to the Great Mystery presented in Universalist Unitarianism. Over the past few months I’ve managed to keep most of my senses when money began to get tight. But I’ve gotten better at budgeting my money, yet I am not rigid and regimental… I can relax and enjoy a cup of $7 coffee.

Last night I noticed that the moon was full. I understand that it is an orbiting satellite. But the sight was still beautiful and caused me to stop and contemplate. I recognized all of the blessings that I’ve had, that even though the short term has seen a lot of bad luck, the long run has been an ever steady climb upward. I am a better person now, in better shape mentally, physically, and spiritually than ever. I possess more in ways of inner peace and I mysteriously been able to enjoy my surroundings more. They’ve not changed that much, but I see it for the good that it is.

I thought, last night, of performing a ritual for the Goddess and God. My intent was to somehow symbolize my feelings of gratitude for the life that I now have. I’ve no intention of any magic circles, or any “magick” whatsoever, but how could I write a poem that spoke of my feelings toward that Great Mystery?

This morning at about 0600 as I drove back from the gym, the daylight was just beginning to tease the Eastern horizon with promises of gold. As I drove home I caught a rare vision of the moon. She was low in the horizon… barely escaping the lowest of houses and trees obscurity, and her coloration was a dark golden color, of wheat perhaps. I craned my neck to view her and drove perhaps a bit too dangerously as a result. I soon came to my apartment and walked inside. As I did so I gave a silent prayer of thanks to the Goddess and commented on her beautiful satellite in the morning sky. She answered me as she has done so many times. Perhaps I should mention that it was of normal occurrence to take a walk into a forest and hold conversations with her. She is usually quite wise, poignant, and her replies hold many sides to them. I was somewhat amazed that she was still there. After all, I’ve denounced the pagan faith as most everything that I’ve read, conversed on, or what not, is filled with and based on terrible logic and rationale.

The Goddess understood my feelings. She knew why I was incredulous to find that she was still with me. She told me that she had never left me, that she was always with me, I was a favorite with her and she gave me an image of a coyote. I’ve come to realize that I am more akin to the archetype of the coyote than that of the hero. She said that she likes Thomas Jefferson’s approach to question boldly and that this was needed in all areas of life. It has been my experience in the pagan community that for a community of free and independent thinkers, they are very conforming to the majority beliefs and are easily swayed by new age guru’s. I am highly distrustful of Deepak Chopra… what a major scam.

I appreciated the Goddesses kind words to me and I told her so. I realized that I held the basic pagan belief of pantheism, or the manifestation of Deity through Nature. How this made me a pagan and my break with new age rationalisms was merely a cleansing of the spirit. She gave me a warm acceptance feeling.

As I was finishing the walk to my apartment, I was given a bit of insight by her. I had been reflecting on the nature of my paganism and how this may be more attuned to her meaning. I was interested in a celebration of life, not a mystical escapade of the tree or a season or a moon phase. She agreed with me. She said that she was indeed life. I questioned her about death. Here came the reply that I expected, that Death is a part of life as life is a part of Death. Both complete a circle. My mind had on hold an statement about the recognition of the life within a tree instead of a worship of the tree… a point that many non-pagans and some pagans alike seem to mix up about us. She said that I was exactly right. I had forgotten how she will answer my arguments before I will “state” proper in my mind. The next thought that entered my mind was that of extinction, of destruction, etc… and the life in that. Mankind is doing a terrible job on this planet. She said that when a volcano erupts, it is filled with life (the micro bacteria) and that the lava and ash, even though it destroys our concept of all life, actually enhances life in the future… affecting soil richness and eco-development. We seem to place an importance on an old growth forest and find it saddening when it is destroyed and left in ruin. But as Mt. St. Helens shows, wildflowers soon begin to appear. It is slow progress to us, but to the Goddess time is meaningless.

I asked her if the extinction of a tree species is sad to her. No was her reply. I was shocked. I have been a supporter for environmental groups and legislation and the basic theme to most is to save everything! She told me that this was not possible and we humans were taking on much too great a role. We’ve missed the point. She gave me an image of an Aikido master. I know that the basis behind it is that the master is at peace with the universe and any action that enters into his circle is met with harmony. What results is the attacker being thrown by his own force. The Goddess told me that this was her approach to life, that this was the center of all great traditions. Balance and harmony with change. No formulas, but recognition of what it there and the harmony with it. She said that she is life in its infinite forms and that this expresses itself in infinite ways. She is, then, potential. As Piaget noted in his experiments, a plants characteristic of growth of the broadness of its leaves will be affected by soil, water, sunlight, temperature, amount of exposure, altitude, and a host of other variables. To know the genotype, all of the phenotypes had to be accounted for. This was a very daunting task for something as simple as leaf broadness. To do such with human behavior is impossible, and the application of life is even more complex and infinite in its variety. I am reminded of the niche system in evolution. The Goddess told me that biologist and the idea of a species in a niche were more correct than most spiritual minded people that looked at life as a creation. It is not a creation, such would mean a period of creating… but she said that all life is an ongoing “expression” that we are still in. We ourselves are a part of this very expression. So when we damage a tree, another form of life will come into being. This does not anger her. It is the lack of respect for life in general that she doesn’t like. It does no good to respect a plot of trees or a coastline if we cannot recognize the same life in the person next to us, or in the cells underneath the microscope. To recognize that life is everywhere and to treat it with respect should be our intent.

I am reminded of Hinduism, but that is another time…