Macwriter

Mac kills PC in so many areas. I find that my workflow crashes to a halt when I have to go into the office and use their Windows systems. I hesitated in downloading any Microsoft programs onto my Mac because I don’t like anything about them, how they are organized. Even using Excel, which is still far more substantial than Apple’s Numbers program, I am quick to get in and get out. The one shining Microsoft program out there is Livewriter. It is great. I does everything that a blogger needs and wants. It has two-way communication with accounts and one can write, post, and draw from with ease.

So I am trying out MacJournal. I am hoping that the latest update will address some of the workflow problems that I had. We’ll see. A big problem for me was the lack of tag support. Not that the program doesn’t use tags, it does. But that it doesn’t draw from the list of tags one has already started on an external server. Livewriter does this well. But other programs, not so much. Instead of a seamless work environment I am forced to print out a list of tags and hang it on the wall. This. is. stupid. Either that or I am stupid and I cannot figure out a workaround.

I’m good to go

So far I my experiences are proving useful for me. Again, I’ve had opportunities over the past week to redress some things. Yet part of me continues to stay in this limbo where I am at. It could very well be that I am using this as a rationalization for my stubborn pride. However, I am not the smartest person on the school bus. I cannot rattle off a dozen theories or formations of the mind or principles of thought. Yet, on occasion, I do well in working with other people. I’ve been blessed/honored to be in the presence of people who, while dealing with their emotional/physical ordeals, have found it possible to open up to me. Love is a central component of any healing therapy and it is easier to love others when you share something.

On another side, back to my not being the smartest, the world of theory out there is truly vast and one could easily get sidetracked on various trails of thought. It is as though you are in a canoe on a wide open lake. My experiences lend emotional signposts to my navigating. While I read various studies on anger, depression, substance abuse, cognition, PTSD, sexual trauma, combat experience, happiness, resiliency, etc… my emotional experiences keep me on track, or they pull me to other areas.

I am grateful for my experience. Others might lament it, and to be honest the stress does poke its head up from time to time. Yet for it to be valuable for me in the manner I just described, the stress must be present. If it doesn’t show itself then I can learn nothing, I am given no greater insight into the plight of veterans, my future work/research/writing/whatever in this field is hampered and the greater good that I so wish to do will be stunted.

Let it rain, let it pour, let the vengeful fates pull their hair and shriek. Were it only about myself I might not have the strength… for I am not a strong person. Yet when it comes to others I have great reserves within me as yet untapped.

Semper Fi

Resiliency

I’ve worked hard to get my degree. Not as hard as others, mind you. Whenever I begin to think that my working many hours at a job, going out of town on training exercises, and having to still do a paper for a class in the process is a lot and a little self misery starts to pop up… I’ll meet someone who goes to school, has a job, and has a better GPA than me (though that is not saying much). It brings me back to reality and to stop moping around, get back to it.

Another one of my traits is optimism. This works well for me when things are bad, but I’ve found that when things are going well I will not try to make them the best. I am thoroughly and exceptionally average.

I left Gustav’s. I hated that place. Of all the places that I’ve ever worked, this place ranks as the worst. There is not a single fiber of my being that is lead to believe that there is any care or concern for the employees. I hated working there and, though I needed the job, it was a welcomed change to leave. I started applying at different places and in less than a week I had several offers. I took the one that I thought would be the best, a sports themed restaurant that shows ALL the games. After a week of training we opened up the restaurant and even though we had 7 bartenders (3 too many) I quickly showed I was a good one. I was given a fair amount of shifts per week and things seemed to be going well.

Two weeks after opening the restaurant I had to leave for military training. All in all I missed 3 weeks at the restaurant. When I did come back and asked for shifts again, and was given 3 shifts, it started a big fight in the bar among the bartenders that have been working while I was gone. I was viewed, by them, as the new guy and they didn’t want to give up their shifts. I understand their concern. I volunteered to pick up shifts at other locations and thought I’d be transferred. However it did not work out as the new location only needed me for three shifts to cover for a vacationing bartender.

Back to square one.

I managed to get two shifts scheduled and pick up an extra one (not enough to pay the bills) but soon found myself telling the company that I was leaving again for two weeks training in South Carolina. This training was important for me to get and I seized the opportunity to get it. Bars often sell their jobs on the premise that the industry is flexible in staffing, unlike the rest of the world. Not entirely true.

When I came back from training I had no shifts for the next week. The week after, 1 shift. The week after that, zero and also the week after that. I had already been looking and applying for jobs but we were now in the Summer months in Oregon, a time that is notoriously bad for bar business. Our rushes occur later, business is down in many areas, and staff fight for diminishing shifts. I was now in a deep hole, behind on everything, and looking at unable to pay rent.

I applied for unemployment. I do work three other jobs, however they don’t support me. One is one weekend a month, the other two average two hours or so a week. I must have filled out a dozen different forms online, drove to the unemployment office to straighten out some discrepancies only to be handed a phone and waiting for twenty minutes to talk to someone on the other line who didn’t really ‘hear’ me and my situation.

I’ve still not received anything. When I gave up that I’ll get no shifts from the sports restaurant, I went in to collect my final paycheck and saw I was scheduled one shift. I worked it… and entire hour and a half. Tips were so low that I didn’t even bother splitting them with the ungrateful bartender working who is always angry with me coming in (I expect she is threatened by me, I don’t know) for shifts.

Meanwhile I keep looking for work. I went to a bar to apply, was 12th in line, and when I was interviewed they told me I knew answers that nobody else knew. I am a very good bartender. I know my stuff. They liked me, I knew they did. But then they noticed that I was in the National Guard and my having to go away for 1 out 4 weekends did not sit well with them. I did not get the job because of that.

When I first came back from my second round of training I was told to fill out paperwork for active duty orders that would allow me to travel around and help veterans. When I started the process I learned that it would take a couple of weeks. Now that I’ve learned that I need a ‘secret’ clearance on it, and I do not have one, I’ve learned that it might take a couple of months.

And rent is past due.

I went and rented a storage unit and spent the weekend packing everything up. While doing so I got an email asking if I could go give three lectures to some veterans. I would be happy to. During the moving process I’ve given five lectures on three different days.

People have asked me where I am going and when I tell them the various contingency plans that I have, some get concerned and I can read shock on their face. Sleep in a truck? A tent? Oh no! It is this that keeps me from telling most people that have asked me. I know that among the many friends and associates in my contact list that I have many options. I’ve had keys handed to me, offers for money, and so on. This is not a scary place for me. I’ve been through worse, purposefully and not. I have lots of things going for me, I am not doing bad, and I am not in despair. I am, after all is said and done, an optimist.

The despair comes from my two cats. Having two cats severely limits my options. It hinders movement, places to stay, costs, times, and everything. The thoughts of getting rid of my cats caused me great distress. All of the emotional connections I’ve found it impossible to create with people for any length of time are made with my cats. They’ve been my ‘kids’ and many nights have found us three piled up on a couch reading books or watching t.v.

However, things have come to a head. I’ve stayed in a hotel the last two days and will be leaving tomorrow. To gain more mobility I’ve opted to give my cats a good home. Far down in the sub reaches of someplace within I can feel a twinge of the great sense of loss that I know is there. But if I’ve learned to do one thing very well over the past twenty two years, it is to cut off my connections. I do this very well, at times without my wanting it to. This skill, used with my own mother and some relationships, was honed into a very formidable skill after Iraq.

So now it is that I do start another job (tomorrow). Tomorrow I also hope to finalize moving in to a near perfect place to live, but the timeline on this is still up in the air. It could be a day or three.

Tonight I take my two furballs to a new home and let them get settled in. And then I am going to go have a shot of whiskey, or two, and hopefully talk to someone who doesn’t pity me or try to save me.

Thank you

A couple of days ago I went for a walk in the park.  It was late afternoon and the weather was warm.  Not warm in the sun but actually warm.  I had my binos with me and my prayer beads in my hand.  I was taking my time.  I looked over to the hawk’s nest with my binos and could see one of the adults on the edge of the nest looking down into it.  No visual confirmation of any young.  I’ll keep checking.  I looked for the hooded mergansers, the mourning doves, the red-winged blackbirds, and others.  Nothing.  Although I did hear the beautiful chirp of blackbirds in the distance.

Nearby I heard a wonderful song of a bird and I couldn’t place it.  I scanned the trees in the direction of song and could make no sighting.  I crept up closer, scan, crept closer, scan.  Nothing yet.  The solitary bird was making a lot of song.  I suddenly became self aware and that I was at ease in the world around me.  If I had been asked at any time prior chances are I would not have said that I was anxious or worried about possible threats.  While I do scan my environment, I am aware that I do so and I let it go.  It is as a troublesome thought in meditation… just let it go.  But if you had asked me if I was anxious or anything at all about my environment I would have said no.  The thought of danger lurking in the world around me doesn’t surface in my conscious, waking life.

Yet here I was, happily stalking a chirping bird, and I became aware of my peace in the world around me, of being at ease.  I was overcome with an exhuberent contentment (if that makes any sense) and it felt as though it were the first time (it’s not, but it’s been a long time coming).

I sighted the bird.  It was the common American Robin.  I had not registered such a melodic song as this one sang from this species before.

Taking out my special prayer beads that I made, three groups of three with a darker colored bead seperating each group, all together repeated three times, giving me a total number of beads of 108.  My mantra, as I moved along from bead to bead, was simply “thank you”.  I gave out my gratitude to the gods and goddesses and spirits and ancestors and everything around me.  I gave it to my Self.  I walked along trails, watching and listening for birds, while clicking each bead in due time after a silently held thank you in my heart.

—-

It is a few days later and I have gone to two days of the Western Psychological Conference with two more days to go.  I have been as a kid in a candy store.  So many people and ideas swirling around me.  I have had a wonderful time.  No matter what I’ve sat in on I’ve seen a parallel or connection to something I am reading up on.  With each person I talk to I am jazzed all the more and ideas of further research, more questions to ask, concepts to test, come to my mind and I am giddy from thinking about it all.  Rarely have I been so happy as when I took a break, walked outside into the sunshine and sat in the waterfront park, cup of black coffee in one hand, notes from a lecture in another, with ideas about possible research to formulate in my mind while texting a colleague about them.

Today I sat in on some paper presentations about emotional regulation and its effects on stress and happiness as well as predictors of stress and depression.  Thinking of this and an earlier lecture on descriptive social norms and reciprocity theory, along with earlier lectures on communications between science practicioners and non-profits, I have questions to look at about theoretical connections.  Find the lynchpin.  Find the fulcrum.  And in my mind I can imagine possible interventions of mutal benefit to veterans and their families (and by extension the communities they live in and the state).  I allow myself to fantasize and imagine a future date where the statistics of sucicides in the state veterans population are released and there is a significant drop.  I can almost taste that joy.  It is like a warm blanket that I can wrap myself up in.  What a wonderful dream.  This convention has been wonderful for me because I’ve been able to connect to people in my field.  I’ve talked with brain researchers and social psychologists, cogntive specialists and others and I’ve followed along with them, seen applications of their work in my own, and have seen in the horizons of my mind taking them further to bring health, resiliency, and happiness to the veterans population.  I feel capable in that there is, somewhere within me, a path or a light or a way of finding this, that I can indeed make a difference in the suicide rates.  For the first time I’ve felt like I can look at my brothers in arms in the eye and let them go to war without me, knowing not only that I have a task here on this side of the pond, but that I am up to the challenge and could possibly do it.

My one hope for the coming year… that I am able to actualize the things I am connecting in my mind, the theories, the research, bridging various entities, and that the lives of the veterans in this state are impacted for the better.

Gods guides me

A walk in the dark

Tonight was very slow in the bar. Memorial Day weekend and the State Fair going on. So I let the other bartender close and I went home. I stopped by Barnes and Noble and picked up a few books, but then I put them back down and came home. I did not buy a book. (gasp) It’s rare… but it does happen.

I took a walk in the Fanno Creek park at dusk. The images of other people were faint in this time between times, almost like ghost. As I watched a small kid try to catch up to her family across the grass, I could easily imagine how some tales of faeries perservered. Stars came out tentatively in the clear sky above. The tree frogs were not so bashful and let out a loud constant chorus in the trees around the creek. To me they sounded like little Tibetan Buddhist chants, except for many octaves higher in pitch.

I love Summer nights outside. I recalled the joy of many nights as a kid in Arkansas when I would wander the woods alone. I miss lightning bugs. There are none in Oregon. In the South they are everywhere on a Summer night and lend an otherworldly quality to an already magical ambience. Tonight I could smell the blackberries on the vine off the path to my left. I could see the distance shapes of people here and there, moving along the path, leaving the path in darkness. I kept to my self and to the edge of the tree line, aware of light and shadow and moving, quietly, from one to another, preferring not to be seen or heard. I was enjoying the night, but I was also on patrol. Tally one of the good guys in the neighborhood park at night against whatever might be out there.

In my silence i slipped up on two young girls calling for something in the woods. It was very dark and they had no idea I was there. I asked them if they were looking for a lost dog. They answered a good answer, that they were just looking around (you don’t want to tell a stranger in the dark that you are looking for something… that is an opening for him to get closer to you). I had no intention of stopping and talking with them. I never broke stride as I walked by them and I could have continued on wiithout their having ever known I was there. Yet I wanted to let them know that they were vulnerable and they HAD indeed been snuck up on (actually I was merely walking in a meditative walk, not sneaking) and hopefully it got the point across to them. Better that I startle them into using some sense than the wrong person. I’ve seen signs of sex and drug use in this park, up and down its length, so I wanted them to be careful. As I walked away they resumed their search for their lost dog (whistling into the woods and flicking a lighter for light) for a few minutes before they found what they were looking for and left (the dog showed up and as they left the little dog barked at the neighborhood dogs next door, creating a racket). I continued my walk, keeping to the edge, listening for things around me… but mostly throwing my self up into the sky to mingle with the stars and letting my heart sing with the songs of the tree frogs. I’ve read stories of forests being haunted by witches and such. In Dungeons and Dragons there was always the druid of the forest you better not anger. I always loved the storie of Robin Hood in Sherwood Forest also. Well, consider this long little park my beat, one witch keeping tabs on various areas within in, ready to aid whenever or to give a little information (I pointed out the owl in a nest to two parents and their young child. They enjoyed it very much).

My thoughts turned to a friend of mine. She is in an odd sort as of late… a war within her heart. I had handled one of my many decks of tarot cards before the walk and the Lewellyn Tarot spoke to me (though I’ve not had good readings with this in the past) and I carried it with me. I shuffled it over and over as I walked, thinking of her and trying for insight. But I put it in my little bag I carry and instead tried to balance and center myself. In the dark there are many things that come out in me… aspects of my shadow self, parts of my warrior self, parts of my spiritual self trying to connect with all, the carefree child in me wanting to romp and play… all these and more come out. I noted them all as they each fought for dominance. I wanted, instead, to be balanced. In “What Witches Do” he writes of an awareness of the four directions, of the four elements most of the time so that it becomes second nature and the balancing that results.  Hmm… sounds like what I’d like to shoot for.  I didn’t push things out of my mind as I walked, I just tried to welcome other aspects as well.

In my last therapy session the notion of writing a letter to my mother came up.  I sat down once to try and do so, today, but didn’t get more than a paragraph.  When we discussed the idea I felt rage building up in me.  When asked “the question” (how do you feel about that/ how does that make you feel/ what are you feeling right now”) I said that I felt very angry, like yelling “you were wrong!” and then I stuck my tongue out like a kid and went “nnnnyah”.  My therapist laughed.  She said that was an important part… that sticking the tongue out… it was the act of defiance of something small against something bigger.  Hmmm… that made sense and had a ring to it.  I told her that I couldn’t write the letter on a day I had to go to work.  It’d put me in a bad mood for work.  Yet when my days off came and I spent them in reading and hiking, I didnt’ want to ruin those great days with writing out that letter.  So I tried to do so today.

10 K Run 49:50 run time.

I ran a 10K run today, the Portland Bridge to Bridge run for Leukemia. I didnt’ know that my microchip had to be tied to my shoe to work so that it would be low enough to the ground to work. I sprinted at the end as I saw the clock counting down to 50 minutes. I crossed just as it it hit 50:00. However, I didn’t cross the start for 10 seconds or so after the official start. Because I had the chip too high I don’t know how I ranked in my age group, but comparing the times of other people at 50 minutes I placed about 160 or so out of 343. Ish.

I had hoped some of the other guard members would show up. I sent the word out via email and text message to everyone. Apparently a lot of them thought I was coordinating the guardsmen in getting together. No… should be simple enough to say “heres the website to register” and ‘heres the date it is to be held’. Nobody showed as far as I could tell. Oh well.

I had worn my navy blue National Guard shirt that says “go guard’ on the front and back. I got a lot of people saying “thanks for being in the guard” as we crossed each other’s path on the race. If I had any thoughts of slowing down during the race, they were cut short everytime someone said “thanks” to me. In my mind I have an image to uphold of the guard in the eyes of the society I belong to. That image is of a person who is adjusted, mature, capable, intelligent, responsible, and able. The able part was being tested on the run. I had to push myself and keep going. Twice during the run my left arm got numb but I kept pushing on. Each time was during a long uphill run. Sheesh… hills! But I am a citizen-soldier, ready to respond to any emergency, in war or in peace, that my state needs me in, and I could not stop on the run… I had to keep going.

At the end of the run, with the finish line in sight, I hear a woman’s voice behind me… “hey National Guard, you’re my pacer, take it in the the finish line.” Okay, so I picked up the pace. She started protesting, in good humor, that I needed to slow down, and so I did. She said thanks and asked if I did it for her. I said no… I was ready to puke in front of everyone during the last stretch. Really… it was going to come up!

With a hundred yards to go, however, I did pick up the pace. Closer, fifty yards, a guy yelled at me from the sideline to “catch that guy” and he pointed to the man in front of me. Okay.. so I sprinted with what I had left. I got up to the guy, who in turn began to sprint himself, and I looked at the clock ahead, it said 49:50 and I said to the guy “we’ve got to beat 50:00″ and we both sprinted all out as fast as we could, feet touching the finish line as the clock clicked over on 50:00.

I feel great. I am a little sore… but I feel great. I am interested in runing the race for the roses next month… actually in like two weeks or so, that is a 1/2 marathon. I need to train some between now and then, so that means hills for me. Yep… hills and leg workouts. My cardio wasn’t too bad. I was in good shape breathing wise… my leg strength needs work and my endurance. I’ve done two runs before, in my spare time, at 13 and 16 miles before. I don’t know if I could finish a 13 mile run. But I am thinking about trying it.

Add to this that I spent some time with Natassja at the coffee shop Friday night, and I enjoyed that, and sent me an email saying that she had fun and wanted to hang out sometime soon and ’cause some havoc’… and yeah… I am feeling pretty good right now.

The week in review

I am  doing this today instead of tomorrow because Da Bears are playing football and I have to work after the game.  So, here it goes.

I have bought a new Monarch-sized Covey planner.  In this I keep my notes from class as well.  I have revisited my Mission Statement and find that it needs much adjustment.  I plan on doing this in the weeks to come. 

For this week I planned on many study sessions and many gym visits.  I found that if I did not get to bed earlier than I felt like it, I did not feel like getting up when I scheduled it.  Result, moving gym visits around.  I hate working out during the crowded times.  My favorite is early early morning or late late at night when there are five of us in the gym.

I feel stronger and more vital physically and can take this week of workouts to improve upon it, getting stronger and healthier.

Diet.  My diet was moving along until school started.  I found a slight increase in coffee uptake as well as more grazing between classes by way of muffins at coffee shops.  One day after a workout at the gym I was craving carbs and ate a bag of chips.  Not good.  Lower my amount of caffeine (remember the DSM-IV-TR on caffeine addiction) and maintain my variety of teas.  Cut down on my mochas and lattes and save them for special occaisions.  I also plan on spending more money at various health food grocers (like Whole Foods and New Frontiers).  The salmon I ate was hook and line caught.  The eggs I ate were cage-free (a lot different than free range, which doesn’t exist) and the milk was organic without bovine growth hormones.  I intend my grocery bill to represent my political and spiritual choices.

School.  I did good on studying, but there is room for improvement.  Streamline studying would be a benefit.  Try not to be a day ahead of reading, but two days ahead as I have an everyday schedule and five nights of work a week.  Two days can go by fast without any study time.

Yoga.  I failed to make it to a yoga class yesterday.  I rationalized that I HATE the gym at 4:30 pm and that I would not enjoy the yoga class.  I did not make it to one this morning as I stayed up late last night reading and opted for sleep.   Yesterday was okay as I was studying and wanted to catch the comet, today was no good because of sleep patterns.  Tomorrow I want to hit a pilates session before Da Bears game.  My goal is Yoga three times a week.

Meditation.  I wanted to meditate every night before bed and every morning on waking.  Not a meditation of a long time, but daily centering and balancing meditations.  The sort of mediation that one does for a long time I would save for alternative days from Yoga, or hikes in the forest (walking meditation).  I did not get any of these in at all. 

Friends and family.  I meant to call several people and talk to them, friends from all over the U.S. but never got to it.  I am horrible with the phone.  I need to schedule these onto the calendar instead of making them floating “should do’s”.

Spiritual.  I read so much for school that I did not read any for spirit.  I did not meditate, nor offer anything to the Gods.  I became so caught up in my daily, minute by minute activities that I lost sight of the larger cycles.  Brigid’s day is coming and I am not ready, nor attuned to the meanings (or any meanings). 

Materially, huge failures.  I found myself $700 negative in the bank, behind on a payment, and changes made in my student loans.  If your head is in the clouds, remember to keep your feet on the ground.  Remember the balance witches have between the elements and give the respect and attention due to the element of Earth.  I have incredible wastes in my spending that amount to nothing substantial in the long run.  Plan and act for what you want and need.  I want a MacBook Pro.  I want binoculars.  I want two more bookshelves.  That is the biggies, and they are all in reach.  I want to also get out of the debt and credit crisis I am in, and to move as close as possible to downtown.  I either want to live downtown, or far far away in the mountains.  The latter is not conducive to an academic study.  Living in the middle of the two with my commute and time needed for such, is not good.  I wish to address this in a year.

re-awakening

I am often criticised by some for not finishing things.  I am THE GREAT STARTER of wild and ambitous projects.  One psychological profile I took in the past had me as the guy you wanted if you were starting some visionary business and were building it out of thin air.  But it stated that when you got the machine in place, move me to another startup, as daily maintenance was not my thing.

Some have looked quite negatively on my not going for the end.  Case in point, it is now 2006 and I expect to get my Bachelors in Science, Psychology, degree in Fall of 2007.  I started in Fall of 1995 in Arkansas.  Actually, I started in 94 in a community college in California, taking a Music Appreciation class just before getting out of the Marines.  I had no idea what I wanted to study, but I loved music and I loved the French Horn.  I bought an old French Horn and began to practice and realized that five years was a long time to be away from playing four hours a day.  I took college without knowing what I wanted. 

I made trips to the library to find some structure.  I was down on my luck and needed a direction to go into.  Medical School seemed to be it.  I thought I wanted to go into Psychiatry as I was reading William James at the time and the philosophical side of me was growing in leaps and bounds daily.  Reading my entries from that time (available here on LJ) I was also a depressed love-searching fool who had no real sense of self worth and sought it in other women all the time.  I fell in love as easily and as often as one might change a channel on the t.v.  It took falling in love for real, with Gin, in Houston and the subsequent breakup to throw me into the deepest depression I’ve experienced to learn who I truly was.  This was one of my ventures into the Cthonic Underworld where I came back reborn.  The classic tale lived in my own life.

After I found who I was I began to expan my sense of self.  I agree with the writings of ecopsychologist that I read in last night’s reading, that one’s Self is not merely cased within this house of skin and bone.  It is partial to the the physical surroundings as well as the World Unconscious (an extension of the Collective Unconscious).  It was at the peak of this that I moved to Eugene, Oregon.  Over time I lost sight of that, and it will take some more distance in time before I am able to see what exactly happened.  Did I go through some needed changes, or did I simply take a wrong turn?  I wrote this email out to everyone back in February of 2000 and as I woke up this morning, eager to read more in the field of ecopsychology and counting down the days till first day of classes, I thought of this entry and had to look it up again, to re-read it.

Wow.  That feeling is what lies underneath my consciousness, it permeates me and opens my eyes a little faster this morning than the black coffee, still brewing, will.

I cannot wait until tomorrow… for now I must go to work.

change in life

With the recent break-in in my truck (it’s fixed now) I’ve had the reaccuring thoughts from a few years back.  In the past two weeks I’ve stopped to help several people broke down on the side of the road, have followed a couple of drunk drivers with the police on the line, and have patrolled my parking lot and have scared away a few hoodlums walking around the parkinglot late at night.

So it has come to my attention that the Beaverton Police Department is hiring officers.  When I was taking a few days to think of this, I get a news notification that the Eugene Police Department is hiring eight officers.

Now, this summer, in a matter of two weeks or so I will be going on my two week drill with the National Guard.  I was getting ready to plan my classes for the fall, needing to get this done and apply for more loans so I don’t have to work as much as I do just to make ends meet, and I get word that my unit is also going on another three week drill in the fall.  So much for being able to go to school in the Fall.  So, looking at that I’ve got another year to go (transfering four different universities takes its toll) to graduate, and then, if lucky, straight into grad school and another three years or four until I get out, and then it is look for a job time.  So it is possible that I could be forty or forty one years old before I get into a career. 

So my thought now is to apply for the two police jobs.  The pay is good and I think that I might get to keep some of my military time in regards to retirement and such.  I don’t know about this, but the pay is great and the hours are less than I work now.

Now, as to the job.  It comes natural to me.  I take a joyful glee in helping cops nab shitheads.  I used to be a shithead.  Harmless pranks and having a loud party are one thing, deal with it, but breaking into homes, threatening bodily harm, and trying to perpetrate gang activities, as well as the dealing or using of various substances, should be stopped and I’d like to help stop it.  Also, there are people that need help and I like to help people.  I like to do all the things that a police officer does… so why not apply and get paid for it.

I’ve got experience in patrolling neighborhoods, in searching people, vehicles, and houses, with the majority of people being innocent and scared and how important it is to not be an asshole to them, in doing the job in a professional manner.  I’ve been shot at in a multitude of ways and have not shirked from combat but have thought of my comrades and what needs to be done.  I’ve got experience in leadership, in dealing with stressful situations, and with being calm while others are ready to fight.  I’ve grabbed people and have choked them out, have put people in arm locks, and have taken command of fights in bars and have moved it elsewhere.  As I am now I would make a good officer.  With additional training I believe that I would make a great officer.  

I’d be good with either department, but the thought of going back to Eugene is really appealing.  With the pay that I’d get as an officer I’d get a decent apartment and save up money for a year and then put a downpayment on a house, using my VA benefits, and then I’d have a yard and cold get a dog, and such. 

So, I just got back from the gym and I’ll continue to go to the gym to get in shape.   

A day begins

Good morning day.

I am awake, three hours of sleep and I feel fine.  I am sharp and ready to go.  I’ll have to see how sharp I feel come Monday when I’ve had to get up at five and four a.m. over the weekend for drill, but today I feel fine.

Today I have to get some last minute juggling done in order to get into school for the Winter Term.  The red tape and hurdles has been unbelievable, yet I cannot blame it on the school… I didn’t try enough.

Last night I started on things, as Covey would write, Quadrant 2 things, as I sometimes do, and it is when I am doing these things that I get a feeling.  This feeling is akin to one piloting his course with a sailboat.  It is the feeling I get when I walk into class to take the final exam, carrying no notes at all, just a pen and paper and a cup of coffee and a smile.  It is the feeling of being prepared and ready for whatever comes my way.  It is opposite the feeling of carrying a stack of notes and reviewing them while on the train and later, minutes before the test is passed out. 

This morning I have made steps into Quadrant 2 and I am happy.

Books that I bought yesterday….

“Developing the Leaders Around You” by John Maxwell
“The Leader’s Tool Kit“
“Leadership and the One Minute Manager“

I’ve not gotten into them much…. but I anticipate doing so.  This morning I also took down Awakening to the Sacred from my bookshelf and thumbed through it.  I wish to revisit this book as well.

I am throwing my hat in the ring for manager at the club.  If I make it I will have an opportunity to develop my management abilities and add to my experience in the industry.  If I go into business consulting… I will have definite experience in many areas of the food service/club industry.  If I do not get the management job, I’ll still have my waitstaff job.  Either way I will continue in my school and developing where I can.

For now, it is a blessed day and the gods are dancing in the rain drops.  I love the grey breeze through the mossy fir branches.