January 20, 96
It is early in the morning. I am a Resident Assistant in Bankston Hall at U.A.M. I am a member of the Student Ambassadors. I am founder of the Creative Artist Society. I am EpiPrytanis of the Tau Kappa Epsilon Fraternity Interest Group. I friend, I am poet, I am the philosopher, I am the scientist, I am many things. I am alone.
I have noticed many women in the past couple of months. Indeed, I have desired many of them. Both of the intellectual sense and of the sexual sense. What image crosses the reader at this point I wonder. Are not humans intelligent creatures? What is un-natural for me to want to explore a woman’s mind in intelligent conversation? What is wrong with me desiring a woman’s physical beauty? I am an intelligent person. Please do not insult me by thinking something too noble, or difficult to be beyond my intelligence. It may be unknown and hard for me now, but give me time…I will learn it. I am of average appearance, please do not take what little bit of beauty I have in my body away from me. I would not do so to a woman. To me, the woman is the sum of “God’s plan.” Those of you who know me are probably raising an eyebrow now. No I do not follow the idea of a “christian god.” But I hope for a creator. Why…? It would be too long to list in this letter. Just as the african-american woman arugued that though I should not judge her by her color, I should not ignore her color either. So this is with human sexuality. While I do not judge a woman by her sex, I will not ignore it…for it is part of what makes her being.
Enough on that tangent. I have noticed several women just as I have said earlier. I am hopeful that I will be able to enjoy the company of some in conversation. I already have. I have spent some effort in the company of a charming lady in El Dorado. She is not meant to be, though she is quite beautiful and possesses a very strong spirit and compassion. I meet, and am attracted to, very strong, individual, intelligent, compassionate, graceful, charming, elegant, beautiful women on a regular basis. I have the honor and upmost pleasure of calling some of them my friends. Another one whom I have just started to know on a more intimate basis is soon to go to graduate school. I am so very hopeful for her success and happiness. She will do wonders in the world if she uses on tenth of her skills. I am forced to call myself fortunate for no amount of self pity on my part can hide the fact that I am indeed fortunate to have so many friends and to be in the position that I am in today, ready to experience life and to learn more knowledge. But I still love her and if ever there was hope, it is burning bright now. Our late night telephone conversations have revealed a lot. I am left lying in my bed, dreaming of her and what she meant by a particular phrase or tone in her voice? The latest one was the analogy of two foods in a store and she wanted both but could only have one. She would not come out and tell me what the problem was, and this is really not like her as she is an advocate for open communication. But with each grain of hope, there is the grain of doubt. I was standing next to her in the computer lab. I wonder if she knew that my mind suddenly left the computer screen and to her. I could only look at her, less than two feet away from me, my hand almost touching her. How I could feel the static in the air between her form and mine. For a brief instant I saw an image, a dream, of my putting my arm around her, nuzzeling my face in the softness of her neck and lightly kissing her, feeling her warmth and love envelope me. It only lasted for a split second as I hastily brought myself to attention.
I am her friend, and I will continue to be so. Her happiness is paramount, nothing else in this world matters so much as that. I would sacrifice anything for her. She does not know how I feel. I told her of how I wished my red binder to go to her when I die. Perhaps she will love to read it late at night when the wind is howling outside. Perhaps she will cry because she felt the same. Perhaps she will be happy that I continued to be her friend and did not try to become her lover. I hope that she remembers me fondly and is not overly saddened, I want no shadow to cross her heart.
For now I will continue with my studies and push forward into the realms of knowledge. I hope that I will gain in wisdom and compassion. Intelligence is easily planted.