January 23, 96 0200am
My god I think that you know. If only you would give me a sign. But then you don’t really know do you. I just got off of the phone with you and you came close to getting a confession from me. I love you. I wanted to say that to you on the phone. Why do I feel so damn guilty, why do I want to cry this very moment in shame at my emotions. It is really fucking selfish of me to feel this way, I cannot control it! God damn how I have tried to kill this feeling, how I have tried to pass it on to someone else. But it always returns to you. I cannot tell you. I must reaffirm my oath of silence. You have love and you have happiness…what do I have? Why should I tell? I said that I am torn. I am torn between two men, both of which I can become. One is very extraverted and loving. He has told all of his friends that he loves them, he has told you of his love for you. The other is very introverted, concentrating only on his small little world. No one is really close to him as he does not share his heart with others. He rarely says hello to anyone lest he falls in love again. Couldn’t bear that again. This is the pillar of all my evils, this love I have for you and my oath not to tell you. But if I could tell you this, I could easily tell you everything that I have ever done, thought, or dreamed. I have had sex with prostitutes and men, I have had drugs, I have cast stones at the church’s glass cathederal. I have envisioned the most pleasurable violence, and felt the most agonizing self sacrifice. Some lyrics from a Concrete Blonde song fits well here….”If God says jump, well I set the time; cause if he ever saw it, it was through these eyes of mine. And if he ever suffered it was me who did his crying.” I want you to hold my soul, my heart in your hands. I want to give it to you, completely and wholly. But of all the things I want to share with you, I cannot tell you why….and thus I cannot share my heart. Think me wrong now that you read this? No doubt you are many miles away and I will never see you again. I carry you in my heart now and forever. What if I had let you in my red binder whist we were on the same campus? Would you still love me? I know that you would. I used to think that the biggest reason for my not telling you was that I was afraid of losing your friendship. I think that it is much bigger than that. I know you wouldn’t forsake our friendship…at least I tell myself that. But, you speak of your love for god often. Imagine if you found out that he really didn’t love you that much. You would be crushed. I apologize for the analogy, but it best fits. You are the sum of every hope and dream I have ever possessed. To tell you this, only to receive a “I’m flattered” or whatever would devastate me. Do you remember a phone conversation when I was telling you that I fell in love. I was saying how this experience killed my religion and made me want to die. You said “I don’t like this person.” I only laughed inside, for you had no idea that I spoke of you. You have given me so much, but this experience has killed a lot inside of me. My religion is not completely dead. I still have faith that somehow, someday, things will be worked out o.k. This is the only thing that has kept me alive until now.
I am a daydreamer and I cannot help but feel one now. It is some point in the future. You have transferred to another state and I have responded by sending you my red binder. I found out that you had to come back to the UAM campus for some reason unknown…needing paperwork or something. It was only for the weekend and I was avoiding you. I couldn’t meet your eyes across the room. You came and told me that you still loved me, that we would be friends forever. Where in the hell did this dream come from. It sucks. I don’t know Virginia, I just don’t know. I am so confused. It hurts. I play the game of pain in my mind, what would hurt more….this, or losing you. Thats easy. You know…Brian comes to my mind a lot. You know that I often wished that I was him. Not anymore, I am happy for him. In some of my dreams, where I do tell you and you responde in like fashion (yeah…it’s a dream) I can only feel great sadness for Brian and I immediately feel guilty and ashamed. I once used to hope for your potential to be excercised. Though I never said, or asked any diety to end your relationship with Brian, I only hoped that if it was meant to be…for it to happen, if not….please give me a chance. When you broke up with him, I was mixed, but I must admit that I was hopeful. But it is obvious that you love him. I will not hinder that, I must not. If one the off chance that you only needed me to tell you these things for you to return the love, then life is more cruel and twisted than I ever thought possible. If not, then my judgement call was correct.
Well beautiful, I must go. It is almost three in the morning, I have over 40 algebra problems to do, fifty pages to read, and a report to type. I love you.