June 29, 1997 7:05PM
I have today off. I slept until past noon. I now sit at my computer in torment. My mind goes from state to state. I cannot keep it in one phase as I do not know if I wish to do so. I really value (her) as a friend. However, I believe that the feelings that we shared are gone. We never loved each other in the romantic sense of the word, yet it was nice to have someone to confide in, to sit with, watch a movie with, to kiss, and to hold. I watched the movie Con Air and I was moved to tears at the last scene of the movie where the hero meets his daughter for the first time. It is one thing I may not know. I do not plan on having a child, please do not get me wrong. It is not the company of a child which I desire. But the family he had. He had a wife and a child.
I printed a quote I came across which goes like this.
“Seclusion is the price of greatness. Be alone within. Don’t lead the aimless life that so many persons follow. Meditate and read good books more. There are so many inspiring things to know, and yet man spends his time foolishly….”
How many times in my life have I thought that I was destined to a life of loneliness. Even the greatest love of my life, that I had for Gin, is now gone and leaves nothing in my soul. I speak more than just having friends. I have friends. I can make friends easy enough. Yet I cannot make intimate contact with others. I am so afraid of giving to another woman. I really tried with (her), or so I thought I tried. Yet I never loved her in the truest sense of the word. But I still feel pain at dimming of her prescence. As I sit here and see her leave out of my life, except for the occaisonal visit or common event at a bar, I am sad. I am too schooled to say that I am nothing without anyone. I understand that one must love one’s self first and so forth. Yet I cannot dispute the pure pleasure of just being with someone who has my heart.
I am so very lonely. Oh I have written this so many times in the past. Loneliness was an old lover of mine and she is jealous. How many times have I lost myself in her dark embrace? Once more do I go to her, as she never leaves me. She loves all that I am and demands nothing. She wraps her arms of sorrow around me and comforts me. I guess that she is my patron goddess, for what other archetype have I such intimate contact with than her? For what other reason do I give to others save for my wishing to feel loved?