July 21, 97
It is early this Monday morning, somewhere around four o’clock to be exact. I came home early yesterday from drill and stopped by the volleyball court where several people and friends were playing. I didn’t stay, however, it seemed that I was the odd person and the teams wouldn’t be numerically even. So I left and came home. It was around eight that I laid myself down to sleep. I was tired and I felt depression closing in on me. I awoke around two in the morning and laid on my bedding for a while feeling the pain of loneliness. As sorrowful as I was, I could not repress the curiousity that I had for the physical nature of my emotional turmoil. I do not remember writing of the “aches” around the shoulders, arms, and chest cavity that seems as though it were a physical manifestation of sorrow. It seemed that the pain in my heart and that of my body were really one and the same. But this idea did not last long for I then drifted back into melancholy.
Once again the analogy of the rat came to mind in regards to my actions in any sort of intimate contact with another. What I am referring to is the experiment where a rat was placed inside a tube, where at one end was a lever for food which was placed over an electically charged floor. The rat, driven by hunger, would wander to the lever until it got shocked. Fear would cause the rat to run to the opposite end of the tube. Hunger and fear would both overwhelm the rat until it ended up in the middle of the tube. To hungry to go to the far end, too scared to go to the lever. It seems that I am this rat. For my desire for intimate contact with Eileen and my pleasure in her company causes me to move nearer to her. Yet fear causes me to move farther away from her. What this fear is of consist of many things. I fear that I may indeed get closer to her, only to be cast away again. I cannot recount the numerous times that Eileen and I have known each other that I have spun off into my own world due to the fact that I thought she was cutting me off. I also harbor a fear, which has grown considerably, that I am not… suited for her. I started to write that I was not good enough for her, yet I have counseled several students/friends about avoiding such terminology. Yet this is closest in meaning to what I really mean. I do not speak so much of lowering my own sense of worth, as much as being fulfilling for her. To use an analogy, a fish couldn’t be enough for a bird, though each is wondrous in it’s own regard. I am afraid that the only thing I may actually contribute to Eileen is that of conversation and even that is scarce. It may be that the real reason that she expressed intrest in me in the first place was due to a sexual nature and in this regard the dream is over. I am left with such an overwhelming feeling that my habits, my dreams, my pleasures, my hobbies, and my hopes do not match hers. She loves to dance, she has remarked several times about wanting to dance. I cannot do so. I am not a lot of things that she wants or needs. Please do not get me wrong… I am not dead. I was engaged in an intellectual argument at the squadron yesterday where I did much better than hold my own against two students. I have my own strengths and abilities. It is just that I feel that they are not those that Eileen wants or needs.
So what course of action is left for me? I do not know. I do know that I am tired. I am tired of giving myself in hope of happiness. Yes it is my nature and I have tried to fight it before, but I am a compassionate person and I love to give and express myself to others. It is only natural for me to want to travel to the end of the tube where there is food. But I am tired of the electrical shock. For now I think that I shall reside in the middle of the tube for a while. Perhaps I can balance the two push-pull factors until they null each other out. Perhaps not.