April 10, 2000
University of Houston Campus, Houston, Texas
I am in some weird state and I am confused but sure of things at the same time. I am moving closer to who and what I want to be. I am moving to living my life deliberately. This does not occur without hardship and pain but it is far more endurable because of real and viable reason. An example may be Julia Hill living in a tree, frostbite, hunger, loneliness all acting upon her. Life is filled with suffering, best to suffer for a reason. School is spiraling away from me. I’ve missed a test in each class. My GPA will suffer greatly. Yet I’ve placed my hopes and dreams upon a GPA and a certificate, upon the social construct and acceptable (expected) behavior of “get your degree, become successful and raise a family”. Bliss may be found in this, but it is not inherent. An approach to all things in life which addresses the interconnectedness of our rules and goals is needed. How can we honestly separate work from family? Can religion (I prefer spirituality) be separated from life? From school, from work? One class that I’ve grown to love and has become a centerpiece to my life as well as a catalyst to my development. I’ve been exposed to the philosophical writings of my time. I no longer feel late to the game as I do with the greats of yesteryear. The greatest philosophical debate and problem of our time… the environment. The environmental philosophy today has the greatest questions and deepest material I’ve ever experienced. This is something I can use my mind and heart into… my spirituality and my science come together. My analytical mind and my feeling heart have a common ground here and that is exciting for me.
I am looking forward to my move to Oregon, in working to protect the environment, in taking class and the grade be damned… to read poetry for its own sake… to live for a purpose… I dare say that my father may not understand at first… but I must do this. Living as I am now is so counter to my soul that I have not the effort to do so.. I can understand now a spouse who is devoted to the family, putting in sacrifices and working a lousy job, only to be rewarded with divorce and to become lost and confused.