I don’t know… I am listening to Star Wars music and this just popped out of me. I can almost hear one of the aliens on the movie say this.
I’ve been chatting with a friend for a while now thanks to Yahoo Instant Messenger. Sorry… but I think it is better than the ICQ. ICQ just adds way too much CRAP and AOL is the spawn of Satan… so that leaves me with Yahoo (also a denizen of Hell). It was good to hear from her as I’ve not chatted with her for some time. I have a few friends on my list scattered about the world. A dear one in South Africa, one in Portland, one in Seattle, and others are spread out here and there.
Anyway… It was good of her to talk to me. I don’t know if she ever reads this LJ thing or not.. but if she does… “thanks”.
I’ve gotten some confusing runes and tarot cards for myself lately… all follow the same theme and I am struggling to understand it. But understanding is dependant upon opening to the possibility and this is exactly the theme of the cards. I am lying to myself in some respect and I don’t see why. This would help explain this funk that I’ve been in… but I’m still lost. One thing greatly hindering my sight is the added stress of being unemployed. I put in more resumes today and the level of places that I am going to are so far beneath my ability as a bartender/waiter that I am almost assured of getting nothing. Why hire DaVinci to paint by numbers?
But even as I am getting more and more behind in bills and more and more anxiety builds from looking for jobs… I walked into one bar today to put in an application. Seated around the bar were a few rednecks yelling and milling about, smoke in the air, the same small, hopeless, dim, dirty bar room, the same crusty glasses, the same crap for beer and the same level of expectations for the bar. I turned around and didn’t stop. I abhorred the place… I would die before I went there.
I find myself wondering sometimes… just what is all this anxiety worth? What is it that keeps me doing this? Why do I have to make so much damn money? Because of the weird system of things we have created. We don’t pay people enough to make a living and we have to work our ass off to keep up. Keep up with what?
I had a thought… to hell with it… take a train to the north… someplace in Alaska… and live out in the wild. To hell with rent, to hell with insurance…. my concerns would be getting enough ammunition for a gun so that I might try to hunt for enough meat to get me through the winter. Build a little cabin out in the wild and either survive or die… that simple. None of this crap that passes for normal life now. I’ve been a supporter of capitalism for a while yet, but the fact that the machine of capitalism pushes people to have to work more for less is crazy. Fucking bills bills bills.
Argh! I am going looney. I am expecting a letter from the city tomorrow telling me that I am accepted to take part in the selection process for police officer. I see no reason why I shouldn’t make this. I have a lot going for me. The only thing that may hurt me is that I can sometimes be too damn smart for my own good. hmmm
I hope my friend come to Eugene this weekend. We are supposed to have a cup of coffee.