The Clouds Were Full of Texture

Getting up today took a lot of effort. The snooze alarm was hit repeatedly and even after I did manage to get up I decided to reset the alarm. I didn’t do much at all when I did get up save to dress and go to work. I knew, vaguely, that the stress of things were getting to me. Nothing of importance is moving and instead I am feeling the stress.

I went to work today but it was different than the past few days. Small projects now, the sort of task that I did are gone now, save perhaps for tomorrow’s hanging of the trellises. I met three of the other bartenders today, all were busy scrubbing putty and crap off of various cocktail tables left from the last bar. I helped a bit with one of the construction guys change out the overhead lights. I had strung, ran, clamped, all the electrical wires the two days before, way the hell up in the ceiling (and I’m afraid of heights) but the lights themselves were the wrong type and were being replaced. I wasn’t really needed to help.

Come lunch time the other three bartenders went someplace for lunch. They asked me to go and I wish that I could have gone. I would have liked the opportunity to bond with the other bartenders. A good team is one of bonds and this is important for bartenders who work in closed, cramped, noisy, fast paced environments with pushy and obnoxious people all day/night.

Instead I went to my apartment and to the main office. I sat down with the manager and told her how stressed I was. She is rooting for me when I take my physical for the police department this weekend. I told her that I was unable to pay rent. I worked out a deal, no problem and I was relieved but still stressed and still shamed at not being able to provide for myself.

On the police department… I am still planning on taking the test on Saturday… but I am having serious doubts as to whether or not I really want to do this or not. The biggest positive thought that I’ve had about it is that I would have a steady income. All of my thoughts have been to the goal of buying house someday. That’s no reason to become a cop. I know that I have a lot of the abilities and skills to do so… but would I stay with it? Already I am looking toward the Spring semester for college and already I am asking myself again what courses I want to take. My neighbors around me are all in school and I am envious of their schoolwork. I read a random LiveJournal one night the rantings of a college student who was unhappy on being in school again. My advice… get out of school if you hate it. But I don’t hate it. My neighbor is in law school. I’ve thought about that possibility. I’m still thinking that one over.

When I left the office I came back home. I was spent. I guess that the emotions that had built up, the anxiety of going into the office and owning up to the fact that I was unable to pay my rent (it is a sign of character and this was a failure of such) that I was not tired. Add to that other things going on and I decided to not go back to work. Work isn’t work… it is a help out when/if you can and we’ll pay you for it bit. I didn’t feel like doing anything and I slept. From 1:30 until 7:30 I slept. I had dreams of clamping electrical wire to ceiling beams and cutting sheetrock… and I still slept.

When I awoke the sun was low in the horizon. I sat in my window and realized how much the sunset has changed over the past two weeks. Where have I been? What have I accomplished? What the hell is going on?

I went out for a walk. The clouds were scattered in various piles in the sky. Briefly the undersides were deep crimson as the sun gave one last hurrah before disappearing over the horizon. The deep reds of the bottom, the blue grey sides, and the midnight blue of the tops, all matching the deep cloak of night which was steadily coming from the east. Wonderful and uplifting to see.

I stopped in Kokomos for a second to say hello to some friends. It was dead with no customers and I sat around and talked for a while. It was good to do so. Sometimes you don’t want a psychologist trying to fix your life… sometimes all you want is someone to talk about whatever movies are out at the time with. Sometimes this is better for you than therapy.

Back home I checked my email. For some reason my name was nominated for a spot on the Coordinating Committee at the recent County Convention for the Green Party. I was surprised. I am usually one who is a dissenter… I usually offer opposing opinions… I am the only one (that I know of) who openly says “I am a capitalist”. HA! I accepted the nomination. The election will be at the next meeting, I suppose. I should probably take off of my work at the constrution to make that meeting then.

I have two new friends also. I can’t remember their names. I know that is bad. They live on the level below me and they are between 20 and 22. They are engaged to be married in May of 2002. They seem pretty nice. I don’t see my law school neighbor much and when I do he is usually working on homework, and I have two more neighbors at the end who are college students. I think I’m going to attempt to fix up some dinner one night (when I start making some money) and have a get together. A stress relief for all!

My place is a mess… it is a jumbled mess of crap. It reflects my inner mind. My thoughts and feelings are a jumbled mess. I am edgy and reactive to little things going on around me. I was trying to fix a printer problem at a friends house last night and she touched me on the shoulder. I jerked away and was ready to defend myself. What the hell was that about? But it matches my current mood and thoughts. I light a candle before bed each night in giving thanks for all my blessings… but that is all that I do. I am on edge and I am ready to match whatever explosion should occur with my own explosion…

I was working at the bar on Monday and a guy came in and asked who’s bike was parked out the front door. I said it was mine. He said that he saw some “homeless looking guy” trying to take it and he yelled stop. I immediately asked which direction the guy went and I went after him. I was hellbent on kicking somebody’s ass. Try to steal my bike damnit… I’ll teach him to think about stealing somebody’s bike again. Here I am unable to buy a goddamn cup of coffee and he wants to try to steal my fucking bike. But I couldn’t find the guy. There are a lot of alleyways and they are the pathways of choice for many people, particularly those who don’t wish to be seen.

Now it is after midnight and I am going to clean my apartment. I am hoping that the bar does in fact open on Tuesday night. I have absolutely no money. I tried to put a box of cat food on my debit card, $1.65 and it woudln’t go through. Luckily I had the change in my pocket in quarters… but that was all I had. No sense my cats suffering as well. But Tuesday night we will be open…. I’ll make some money, at least enough for something to eat other than pancakes and spaghetti and peanut butter and jelly. I’ll try to pay my car insurance and see if maybe I can keep my license so that I can take the P.D. test and I’ll work to catch up on all the bills that I am behind on.

I have a memorial service to go to Saturday in rememberance of Kim. I don’t spontaneously cry when I think about her now… but still there is that heavy feeling behind the eyes when I remember her.

Sometimes I wonder… just who’s life is being wasted.

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