thoughts after work

Monday night is my last night at Divas. Sunday night was the usual slow night. There is a dancer from out of town that first showed up Friday and I was very much attracted to her. She is very fine and soooooo in my taste of women. I approached her as I approach all the other girls and she was somewhat resistant to it. When I mean approach a girl I am not saying for sex, but instead my work relationship with her. I am still managing at the club and I usually pepper in a hefty dose of flattery in my dealings with the girls. It might sound silly, but try stripping in front of a club of people sometime for no pay and not making a dollar in tips for a set. It gets kinda hard on one. Anyway, Vixen (her stage name) was pretty much not reacting to my behavior. So I kept tweaking it here and there to find what “voice” fit her. Two nights and no real success. When I walked her out to the car and told her to give me her bag for me to carry she refused quite strongly. She didn’t know that I carry all the girls’ bags. Sunday night when she saw me walk another girl out she saw that I grabbed the girl’s bag. Since then she has warmed up to me. She asked me if she could go early and I gave her a list of options and reasons. Basically I didn’t care but I knew that it’d create bad blood for her and Phil and I told her all of this. She stayed a little longer.

I was finally able to watch one of her stage sets. It had my full attention. I really dug her show. I swear that if she had come up to me and said that she wanted to have a late dinner with me after work, I would have jumped at the chance. There is no sense in denying it. I would have. The knowledge of this had a paradoxical effect within me. (more on this later). After another hour she changed into street clothes and decided to head out. But I met her at the bar and we started talking. We talked about cars, horses, ranches, living on one’s own, etc… and I didn’t think it was that long of a conversation when the bartender came up and made a joke at us “do you think you guys have anything to talk about?” We both laughed and kept talking.

Now I do not know her at all and I do not claim any sense of emotional pull. What I do note is my being attracted to her very much in a physical way and how patient I am with her in her conversation. (more on this later) I told her that Monday is my last day and if she came back to town to ask the bartender to find me and I’ll come see her. This one I would indeed come see. When she did her stage sets I followed her closely with my eyes, trying to feel her curves and softness with my eyes, transmitting the sight by way of magic into some sense of touch in my brain. Imagining what it would feel like to run my hands and body along the curve of her ass, the insides of her thighs, her throat and chest. Yes, she is quite beautiful, very independant, and she seems to be quite intelligent.

Now, the problem arises in this. I still have a girlfriend. I say still but it is quite an odd relationship. I’ve not really thought about it because I know intuitively what direction it will take and I’m not ready to take that step. God damnit, for all the times in the past that I’ve been lonely and dumped by someone… I hate more than anything to be the person to initiate a break-up. Tonight, in a short conversation with someone, I summarized my feelings with Danni and it was surprising to hear it come out in such a quick blurb. I have experienced a deep love twice. For whatever reason, each time did not work out. Whether it was the other person, myself, or both were not ready, it can be debated many times. A couple times in between I’ve had a girlfriend and I’ve realized that it wasn’t at the same level. This usually occurs after three weeks or a month. When this happens, all luster evaporates in the relationship. I lose all attraction to the other person. In my mind I do not see the relationship that I am looking for and so I close all the doors and inroads to my heart as well as all of its manifestations and expressions.

It sounds cold and heartless. This is where I am at with Danni. We’ve not had sex since just after July 4th. Our kisses are short and scripted. Our contact is rare and hurried. It cannot have been a rewarding relationship for her. I’ve not put any effort into it at all. I’ve behaved like a complete scum because I’ve avoided thinking about it, hoping that this was just a phase and things would be okay. But now that I’ve owned up to it I can’t bring myself to be the bad guy, even though by not being such I am being a worse guy.

When Danni and I go to a movie, or she comes over, every thing irritates me. When she gets stoned or drunk she is nearly impossible for me to be around as I nearly go stark raving mad. It is not a good mix when a woman whom I have fallen out of interest with gets stoned and asked the dumb questions that stoned people ask to me when I’ve been reading philosophy for hours and my mind is one big problem analyzing machine. It is not the warmest of conversations to be sure.

So Vixen is gone out of town. I wanted her bad. Danni is still in town and I am avoiding her. Its the same damn thing that I did to Christine.

So here is one historical proof of my assholedness. When on some future date I meet a woman that thinks me to be a really great guy, I’ll bring up this entry and let her read it, showing her my vile nature.

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