Before I embark on some editing of a website that still isn’t posted yet, and possibly the creation of some icons, and possibly some reading of “The Brothers Karamazov”… a little entry.
I’ve not physically see D for 8 or 9 days. Several things have been weighing on my mind, not the least of which is the search for a new job. But important in my thoughts is that of “where I do I want this to go (do I want it to)?”. Perhaps it is too soon to be thinking so seriously in a relationship, but when does one begin to think such thoughts? There is no doubt that she is a nice person. She’s helped me out, we’ve had fun at some things, and all in all she makes a good friend. But I have no passion in myself. This is no projection… I place this upon myself. I am not in love and I do not see it as a possibility that I shall fall in love. My personality being what it is and how I will often go weeks (months) without contacting a friend until a sudden rush of correspondence, I find that a relationship for the sake of a relationship is not something that I desire.
Having said that, and having been mulling over just how to broach this subject with D, I have learned something, that she has been dating another guy. I am not angry in the slightest for what possible reason could I be? No… I am… relieved? I am if I know that D is interested in the guy (and the guy is a great guy too). But I am not if I find out that D, feeling the incredible emotional distance between us that I’ve placed there for the past month and a half, has rebounded to the other guy. If that is the case I feel bad. There is a voice in my head telling me that I can’t be responsible for the lives of others… but I know that I did not do what I should have with D… and that is sit down and be upfront and honest with her in telling her that I do not feel that this relationship is exactly what I’m looking for.
I wish her well in it and hope for the best. A friend told me tonight (several other people knew and were asking me what I thought of it) that “she’s out there”. She knows me better than I thought.
Now, as to other thoughts. R.A. Salvatore continues to amaze me. Just when I think the book is solely about a fantasy adventure, he finds a way to include a profound point of view. The letters of Drizzt, included at the forefront of major sections of the books, are themselves compact philosophical musings. I have found a recently read one running through my mind. You see, I walk, bike, and take the bus a lot. I go to neighborhood stores and cafes. More than often I will see a woman walking down the street or in the shop or whatnot who is very attractive. There is definite relationship between the amount of time since my last girlfriend and the potential for love that I imagine while viewing the attractive woman. It is a positive correlation. While reading one of Drizzt’s journal entries he writes of a specific bond between him and Cattie-brie, of the depth of that bond and his investigations of that bond and wanting to foster it. He writes of his past when he finished weapon master school and how it was a tradition for the Drow elves to have an orgy of sex and drugs and that he skipped it. He didn’t understand his objection at the time but he was thinking about it now as he wrote in his journal. He went along two themes here. The one that I found particularly interesting was the one of acting on cheap animalistic impulses alone and how the same action is cheapened when shared with someone with whom one truly loves. He also talks of the clouding of the mind with the drugs and how much of a defeatist attitude this was and ran contrary to his very principles of creating his own destiny.
These thoughts have run through my mind a lot in the last few days. When I see an attractive woman, I’ll remember the journal of Drizzt and I’ll realize, fully and clearly, that my interest is purely because of the woman’s tight shirt, the movement of her hips, or the shape of her legs. Rare are the encounters when I think there might be more to it than this. In fact, since I’ve read this portion of the book and I’ve given it thought, only one woman has actually seemed more interesting to me than mere sexuality. However, this woman, a tall, elfish woman with died blonde hair and an easy smile, works at the neighborhood grocery and I am familiar that she is involved.
The rain has stopped outside. It came lightly at first and then, briefly… too briefly, it was hard enough to warrant an umbrella. The many leaves of the trees near my balcony caught the raindrops and gave me a pleasant audible quality to the rain. I love the constant nature of the noise of rain, more so than the surf of the ocean. Perhaps it is because I, from the South, am used to lying in bed, listening to the heavy rain storms more often than I am listening to surf. I stopped all that I was doing and sat on my balcony, content to let the sound and smell wash over me.
I walked to the gas station and picked up a box of cat food and some coffee. While walking home in the slight drizzle I thought about the possiblity of “what if I died right now… would I be content with my life.” I thought about it, about all that I’ve done in the last 14 years, where I’ve gone, my laughs, my sorrows, my dreams and failures… and I must say that I am happy. I am happy with who I am, though I am not all that I want to be… but for the most part I am happy. Only one thing came to my mind that I would sincerely like to feel before I die. And that is love. Love is a constant theme in my writings and often I profess a kind of love (it is a great and wide spectrum). Yet in my heart and mind I have an ideal for love, for the pure and utter knowledge of acceptance and trust and the… contentedness. That would be it… before I die… my only true and undying dream is that I can love somebody, truly and fully, while they in turn truly and fully love me.