I rented “The Count of Monte Cristo” and “The Majestic” DVDs last night, watching only “the count” before bed. I liked the movie a lot except that I didn’t feel that it flowed well after he started exacting his revenge. There is not much given by way of the intrique and the characters become very shallow, almost like cut-outs. The first half I enjoyed, the second half I did not.
I have some serious mismatches in my philosophy of life. I do not believe in a god, a fate, or a directing force. I believe in chance, randomness, and my own directed will. But there is one big problem… I believe in true love.
Why? What grounds have I for believing in such? It seems that it is likely to be just a foolhardy romantic hold-out. Thinking last night before sleep I went over relationships in the past and possibilities in the future. There are two women that I’ve thought of asking out, though I believe one might be married (and hence she is ruled out of bounds). But while thinking of such I think also of type of woman I want. I recall to mind a quote by someone who said “marry the sort of person you like to talk to because after you get old your going to spend a lot of time with this person”. This may be wiser than I initially thought. And so what is love then? I’ve felt love before in many forms and I don’t mean to throw that all away for a tabula rosa now. But of the women of the past that I’ve fallen head over heels in love with, only a couple stand out. Paige, Gin, Kat, Danielle (from a year and a half ago). But of these four, only two were I close to being myself, Gin and Kat, and of those two only one was I utterly comfortable with in who I was, my strengths and my weaknesses and I didn’t feel that one were more weighted than the other; Kat. Kat is also the only woman in all of my sexual encounters around the world that I felt at ease with and with whom I “melted into”. It was very easy to say “I’m in love with her”. It was natural, easy… like breathing.
I still have her picture that I printed out on a computer in the frame that she gave me. I still remember her as “my pussycat” and she used to call me her “owl”, taken from the poem “The Owl and the Pussycat”. Its been over two years. I do not contact her because I do not want to be the hurt from the past. My websites and profiles and such have all remained the same in my move from Texas to Oregon. If she had wanted to remember me she would have access to the sites and such. Her yahoo messenger profile is no longer active. Our parting was very sad and I had the oddest senastion. Because while I had really honestly thought about staying in Texas and moving to Belton, I was also overcome with the sheer happiness of finally moving to Oregon. Half of me was heartsick and the other half was very damned excited.
I never kept my going to Oregon a secret. When we first met (online via americansingles.com) I told her my plans to move to Oregon in a few months. So we agreed to let ourselves become open to each other and to not hold back, to let ourselves enjoy the Spring that we had together. But in that total openness and trust we fell in love. I still think of her everytime I see something about “I Love Lucy”, her favorite t.v. show.
I don’t intend to sound melodramatic now, heartsick, or depressed. I am very happy and I really love my new home in Eugene. The job that I work at now has most of its team from Chicago and I hear a lot of comments about the city and the area. I am both very proud of my city and also very defensive of it. This is my home.
Thinking of these thoughts last night before sleep, I saw that many of the women that catch my eye day to day are not the ones for me. They are nothing more than physical attraction and when I talk to them I soon become annoyed. I think to myself “I cannot even imagine being married to this person for years to come and having to listen to this endless droning of complaining and whining”. So what is one to do? Am I to meet someone in a bookstore? (perhaps I’ll take the advice of a friend and pass her by once or twice before striking up a conversation), or online services. I met Kat via online services, but thus far I’ve not had any luck. I have a profile on KISS, AmericanSingles, Match, and someplace else and I get nothing. Well… I did get one hit but she was the opposite of my type and personality that I’m looking for. Yes… I am very picky. I have to be because I know my heart to well. If I do not be picky with my head, my heart will lose interest and I’ll be in a situation like I just left.
My jobs have not been the best, nor is it now. I am doing data entry… boring. But I tell myself what my goals are. I can see my goals in my heart and mind when I close my eyes. Soon I’ll be back in college and then it is a matter of time when I am nolonger of the world of bars and offices and my jobs will be those in research and academia.
Way down, below all the tumultuous of the mind and the feverish thinkings of what matters and what means what… a voice tells me. “Follow your dream and all will come”. That is comforting. For in following my dream, being my true self, I’ll catch the eye of someone who loves that self and perhaps I too will love that person in return…
and that will be true love.