In my recent emails with a friend I recall past conversations with the goddess. This is unlikely to happen again, at least for some time yet. At the time of this last conversation with her I had been thinking in depth about life, death, environment, etc… and the answer that I got was quite a shock to me. I’ve not told many people this answer, I certainly didn’t expect it to arise from within me. I expect several people to disagree with the answer and of the truth behind it. And yet what if the answer is indeed true? What then? I have a love of the wolves and would indeed love to seem the roam again in the wilds. Three have been found in Oregon, two died and the other shipped back to Idaho.
Many thoughts are there that swirl within my mind right now.
August 26, 1999
It has been a while since I’ve thought about the Goddess. I made my official break with the pagan community early this year since I could not follow the flaws in their ?pseudo logic/science? any longer. I concentrated on more general approaches to the Great Mystery presented in Universalist Unitarianism. Over the past few months I?ve managed to keep most of my senses when money began to get tight. But I?ve gotten better at budgeting my money, yet I am not rigid and regimental? I can relax and enjoy a cup of $7 coffee.
Last night I noticed that the moon was full. I understand that it is an orbiting satellite. But the sight was still beautiful and caused me to stop and contemplate. I recognized all of the blessings that I?ve had, that even though the short term has seen a lot of bad luck, the long run has been an ever steady climb upward. I am a better person now, in better shape mentally, physically, and spiritually than ever. I possess more in ways of inner peace and I mysteriously been able to enjoy my surroundings more. They?ve not changed that much, but I see it for the good that it is.
I thought, last night, of performing a ritual for the Goddess and God. My intent was to somehow symbolize my feelings of gratitude for the life that I now have. I?ve no intention of any magic circles, or any ?magick? whatsoever, but how could I write a poem that spoke of my feelings toward that Great Mystery?
This morning at about 0600 as I drove back from the gym, the daylight was just beginning to tease the Eastern horizon with promises of gold. As I drove home I caught a rare vision of the moon. She was low in the horizon? barely escaping the lowest of houses and trees obscurity, and her coloration was a dark golden color, of wheat perhaps. I craned my neck to view her and drove perhaps a bit too dangerously as a result. I soon came to my apartment and walked inside. As I did so I gave a silent prayer of thanks to the Goddess and commented on her beautiful satellite in the morning sky. She answered me as she has done so many times. Perhaps I should mention that it was of normal occurrence to take a walk into a forest and hold conversations with her. She is usually quite wise, poignant, and her replies hold many sides to them. I was somewhat amazed that she was still there. After all, I?ve denounced the pagan faith as most everything that I?ve read, conversed on, or what not, is filled with and based on terrible logic and rationale.
The Goddess understood my feelings. She knew why I was incredulous to find that she was still with me. She told me that she had never left me, that she was always with me, I was a favorite with her and she gave me an image of a coyote. I?ve come to realize that I am more akin to the archetype of the coyote than that of the hero. She said that she likes Thomas Jefferson?s approach to question boldly and that this was needed in all areas of life. It has been my experience in the pagan community that for a community of free and independent thinkers, they are very conforming to the majority beliefs and are easily swayed by new age guru?s. I am highly distrustful of Deepak Chopra? what a major scam.
I appreciated the Goddesses kind words to me and I told her so. I realized that I held the basic pagan belief of pantheism, or the manifestation of Deity through Nature. How this made me a pagan and my break with new age rationalisms was merely a cleansing of the spirit. She gave me a warm acceptance feeling.
As I was finishing the walk to my apartment, I was given a bit of insight by her. I had been reflecting on the nature of my paganism and how this may be more attuned to her meaning. I was interested in a celebration of life, not a mystical escapade of the tree or a season or a moon phase. She agreed with me. She said that she was indeed life. I questioned her about death. Here came the reply that I expected, that Death is a part of life as life is a part of Death. Both complete a circle. My mind had on hold an statement about the recognition of the life within a tree instead of a worship of the tree? a point that many non-pagans and some pagans alike seem to mix up about us. She said that I was exactly right. I had forgotten how she will answer my arguments before I will ?state? proper in my mind. The next thought that entered my mind was that of extinction, of destruction, etc? and the life in that. Mankind is doing a terrible job on this planet. She said that when a volcano erupts, it is filled with life (the micro bacteria) and that the lava and ash, even though it destroys our concept of all life, actually enhances life in the future? affecting soil richness and eco-development. We seem to place an importance on an old growth forest and find it saddening when it is destroyed and left in ruin. But as Mt. St. Helens shows, wildflowers soon begin to appear. It is slow progress to us, but to the Goddess time is meaningless.
I asked her if the extinction of a tree species is sad to her. No was her reply. I was shocked. I have been a supporter for environmental groups and legislation and the basic theme to most is to save everything! She told me that this was not possible and we humans were taking on much too great a role. We?ve missed the point. She gave me an image of an Aikido master. I know that the basis behind it is that the master is at peace with the universe and any action that enters into his circle is met with harmony. What results is the attacker being thrown by his own force. The Goddess told me that this was her approach to life, that this was the center of all great traditions. Balance and harmony with change. No formulas, but recognition of what it there and the harmony with it. She said that she is life in its infinite forms and that this expresses itself in infinite ways. She is, then, potential. As Piaget noted in his experiments, a plants characteristic of growth of the broadness of its leaves will be affected by soil, water, sunlight, temperature, amount of exposure, altitude, and a host of other variables. To know the genotype, all of the phenotypes had to be accounted for. This was a very daunting task for something as simple as leaf broadness. To do such with human behavior is impossible, and the application of life is even more complex and infinite in its variety. I am reminded of the niche system in evolution. The Goddess told me that biologist and the idea of a species in a niche were more correct than most spiritual minded people that looked at life as a creation. It is not a creation, such would mean a period of creating? but she said that all life is an ongoing ?expression? that we are still in. We ourselves are a part of this very expression. So when we damage a tree, another form of life will come into being. This does not anger her. It is the lack of respect for life in general that she doesn?t like. It does no good to respect a plot of trees or a coastline if we cannot recognize the same life in the person next to us, or in the cells underneath the microscope. To recognize that life is everywhere and to treat it with respect should be our intent.
I am reminded of Hinduism, but that is another time?