A calm, serene, grey cloudy day. The sort where one’s heart and mind settle down from their usual dancing, and sit hand in hand in harmonious silence. My head simply takes in ideas, read in the paper, heard through snatches of conversation around me, and wonders at the insight and eloquence of those giving birth to such thought. My heart nods in acceptance of my head’s patience and open-ness and the hesitancy to jup to forgone conclusions. Yet my heart too has its own concern among them were last night’s attack against pride, which in the light of day there appears a deeper virtue still yet to be enacted. There is nothing in power to be prideful of, the best pride is itself not pride at all, but a sincere form of joy toward another. More often than not, it seems, pride is a failure to be honest and open. It is the missing of the third element. We discuss whether the means or the ends is important, and in such discussion there are world’s of variety and justification. The third position is one of intent. If I am truly honest in looking at my own intent, pride vanishes as insubstantial smoke.
My recent meeting with an old love sparked great flames of emotion within me. So powerful were they that I at one moment felt great fear, and at the other hope for the future. But the intial storm has passed and I am feeling well. My devotion and attention to developing my character seems to have paid off. For I have, in the last two days, not run from the cloudy thoughts within my heart and mind, but have brought them all into the light, feeling the weight of each. ONce again I felt the warmth and happiness of seeing her smile, along with the severe fear of going through the emotional turmoil again. It was the fear of such repeated experience that kept me from enjoying the memory of that smile. And this is unfortunate, for it relegates my behavior to one of avoidance of pain and seeking pleasure… and more importantly, it turns Dannielle from a living, breathing, rational being with her own life and into a carrier of the past and the future. What I have been afraid to hoep for was the future because of the past. This does not bode well for living in the present, and it does ill in my relations when a living human being is inbibed with all of this symbology. Because I had acted toward Dannielle in this manner within my mind, I was not truly thinking of Dannielle, but of a manifestation of my many thoughts, fears, and hopes. Love Dannielle I surely once did, and very special to my heart she will always be. Yet I am nothing if I do not bring integrity into my actions… and integrity starts in the heart.
Sitting here, drinking my coffee, reading a book, and planning the next work week, I am at a deep peace. I am in a state of blessed contentment. I am not lonely, I am not desiring solitude. the rock that I lean upon is my cherished and long struggled for sense of self. It has not been easily constructed, but it is stronger than the shallow fears and anxieties that used to torment me so. Should I never see Dannielle again, sh ould we gou out on a date next week, should we meet as irregularly as a spring blizzard, should we develop into a fast and lasting love, should we be mere acquaintances… I have regained my sense of self and I have allowed Dannielle to have hers within my heart and mind. This is the only way for integrity to take hold, in either my life, or in our relations with each other.
And with a heart at peace, I gather my things and turn toward home, and smile on my face and a song in my heart…
… just because.