Recap of the last 24 hours.
I went into work early today because it was Thursday and I have to open the bar and count the money for the day. Add to this it is the 1st of the month, which means that I have to do an inventory of everything. Add to this I had to run to the bank and get some $1’s. All the while I was very very tired as I was up the night prior with Eliza and I had gotten up earlier than usual so that I could get some food for Eliza when she woke up. I missed the bus (twice) and eventually took a cab to get to work in time. It took me two hours longer than I anticipated to get out of the bar today and I wanted to get home in a hurry so that I could be with Eliza, who would be waking up any moment and possibly going home. And I wanted to see her before she took off.
I got an email on my phone when I was almost home and I sprinted from the bus stop to my apartment. Eliza was still here and we ate cookies, talked, made out, and wound up once again in each other’s arms. But I soon had to be at work and we got ourselves together and walked together to the bus station. I had to walk faster than I wanted because my bus was leaving soon. When we got to the bus station Eliza gave me a kiss and told me to go, making it easy for me to dash off for the bus (parting is such sweet sorrow… I shall say goodbye until I miss my bus) and I got to the bus in time. When we were pulling out I looked out of the window and saw Eliza standing, her red hair tossed around her face, and a gorgeous smile spread across her lips. She looked so incredibly beautiful right then. Even though I was tired and my eyes ached, I felt great! God she looked beautiful.
At the bar now… tonight is the night that the bands play. I am expecting a busy night. I have asked my DJ to work tonight so that I could be on the floor or help in the bar. That means that I lost money for tonight. We had decent sales tonight, the turnout for the first band was okay, but nobody really showed up for the second band. My girls were not making any money, my planned night of rock-n-roll which caused my boss to drop his job in Southern Oregon and come help in the club tonight fizzled. It was a waste of his time to come up to Eugene tonight. And to add to this I have probably one of of the worst bartenders I’ve ever had work for me tending bar tonight. My great attitude and my jumping around and having fun was dwindling as the night wore on with the dismal ending that we had. I was pretty bummed and not in a very good mood. My mind kept wandering around, wondering what I could do next time to ensure greater success, what I could do to increase the money making potential of my girls, what I could do to increase sales for the bar.
I took some amusement from watching Eliza with two of the other girls. She was making friends and having a blast and I was very happy for her. She was going out with them after work for a “girls night out” and I joked around and told her that they were all scheduled to work the next day, so take it easy. I was about to walk out the door, was anticipating a long walk home and the time to think and try and order my thoughts, come up with a plan of action where I could address the discrepancies of the night and Eliza moved into the shadows near the walk-in cooler and she called me to her. She gave me a kiss and told me that she loved me, that it scared her. It cheered me up a lot, though I was still a bit droopy. I helped her pack her back and move it out and she told me that I was the first guy she ever thought of a future with and that this scared her, that she never made plans with guys in mind and here she was thinking of me.
I got a ride with the girls and they went on their “girls night out” while I came inside my apartment and caught up on Sportcenter. I had intended to think of what areas I failed in tonight and address those areas and improve upon them… but I can only replay the scene near the cooler, our embrace and her telling me in my ear that she loved me. Concerns for my job performance have evaporated and all I can think of is her. I had the hots for her, then became interested in her, then became smitten with her… then I began to have a case of the “what ifs” but I’ve held them down. I told myself that I wouldn’t allow myself to get too interested in her because she wasn’t really interested in me… but we keep seeing each other, keep spending time together, she keeps saying things that I might have said myself sometime (her comments about the bible and the history of religion today mirrored thoughts of my own) and we’ve gradually affirmed to each other that we like each other very much.
This scares me. Someone loves me? No way. I feel like I am clenched, ready for someone to deliver a punch, I’m tense. Am I to awake and find out that this was but a dream? Dare I to dream?
I am sleepy and my eyes are tired… but the sight of her standing at the bus station, the bright blue sky, her wide smile spread across her face, her profile as she waves to me… and the words heard whispered in my ear before I left for home tonight… “I love you with a love that I’ve never felt before”.