It is a beautiful day outside; blue skies mix with black clouds, green leaves with golden light. The Cubbies won today and I am well rested. This past week (even with one dismal failure) was a success from a business standpoint… my first real success since taking over as manager (and hence validating my pay). I’ve had a wonderful week with Eliza as well that has put more than one smile on my face.
So why am I depressed? I am not moody, I am not poetic… I am downright depressed. Even writing this I notice that my prose is not that dark or moody sounding at all. Yet my heart feels very heavy, my mind feels chained… it is depression but it is not manifesting outside of my mood. I walked to the grocery store for my weekly order of food (9 servings of steak, 3 svs chicken, 6 rice, 3 svs eggs, etc…) and I tried to slow down and enjoy my short walk, trying to bring myself up out of this depression I am in. I am aware of being in this depression for I can almost see myself. It is like the other night when I was hallucinating off of a bong hit (a very rare occurence for me) and there was a very small voice within me, my conscious self and it was screaming to gain control and yet the world around me kept swirling around. I did not like it. It is the same now. A small self inside of me looks on increduously with wide-eyed amazement and wonders why I am depressed! Yet the body is producing a chemical or something and it feel depressed and most of the outer layers of my mind react in kind. The Self keeps railing against it, saying that things are wonderful right now… why be depressed… pull myself out of it. The body only shrugs its shoulders in indifference to what the Self is saying.
I do not like being like this. So much of my time in the past has been spent in such a state and everything is skewed in perception, everything is changed, everything is twisted around. I was going to watch my favorite movie, Amelie, tonight but I will not watch it in this state. The movie is genius and speaks to me on so many levels, so many parts of the movie are relevant and hold meaning, there is so much joy and sorrow and human anguish in the movie that in my depressed state I might miss the meaning of the movie and only see the anguish within it. I am reminded of a scene in the movie where Amelie’s imagination runs wild because the guy she is in love with is ten minutes late meeting her. She concocts a very wild story in her mind about why he is late. I am alarmed in my depression because I had sent an email out to Eliza before I went to the store. When I got back I saw that I had recieved an email from the web-delivery robot saying that there was a message failure in sending it to Eliza. Of course this could be easily rationalized as her website based html email inbox being full and so it was an automatic message… but in such a state as I am in my mind began concocting outrageous notions about why my email did not go through to her.
Not a good place to be.
So how does one get one’s self out of a depression? I am the psychology guy… I should know this right? I don’t know. I am thinking that this is only a symptom, that there is something deeper here that I am missing altogether. What is it? I don’t know but perhaps a night of music, reading, and such will afford me illumination into the sources of such long idle currents that now foam at the surface of the waters. I am both immersed in this mood, and yet strangely outside of it as well. I cannot easily explain it, but I can almost see myself. It is most interesting to “observe”.
And perhaps a pepperoni pizza will help.