Quick thoughts

Dissatisfaction has been filling my cup steadily for a while now and over the past week when I’ve been hit by $700 in bills, I’ve become quite stressed out. It only adds to this when I go into work and find that I’ve not been paid, that the advance given to me to take care of stuff was taken out in one paycheck, and that I am still not quite finished taking care of stuff.

Yes… panic button.

Last night, while the club was loud and girls were doing their jobs and drama unfolded all around me, I took down a calendar and figured out the average number of hours that I spend actually within the club a week. The answer, 52 hours. Add to this a couple extra hours spent at home concerning business, the multitude of phone calls that invade every minute of my day, and divide that into my weekly paycheck of $300 and I work for $5.60 an hour.

Stop, breath, re-assess.

Where do I want to go, where do I want to be, what do I want to do? The idea of moving out of Eugene crosses my mind… seriously and I am considering Portland in about 6 months. That would give me time to pay off all remaining debts, square away my transportation issues, and save up some money.

Walking down the street today, a warm sunny day, my phone always in my hand as I talk to an incoming men’s troupe, liquor control officers, recycling businesses, distributors, and suppliers, friends and potential workers and staff… I give myself a couple of moments to enjoy the warm sun. In my mind I’ve created a paper thin wall to keep the tide of stress at bay. I can feel the impending financial crunch coming, the final four big payments that will get me out of the hole that I’ve dug myself in, plus the sacrifices that I’ve made to get my license and insurance back. I think of all the crap going on right now, of the saying “when it rains it pours” and I can feel the tide of stress lapping at my paper dam, wanting to burst it and sweep me away. I pause in my walk and look up at a pine tree, smelling its powerful scent.

“Is this all you got?” I ask. This is nothing! I’ve been through worse than this. I will use this to reaffirm my principles, my directions, taking steps into the directions that really matter for me. I will use this fire to forge myself.

Over the next hour while I ride the bus to the DMV, where I FINALLY got my license, I began to feel better… feeling acutely the proactive attitude enter my mind replacing the reactive nature that has filled me the last three days.

The one bright spot the last few days? Eliza. I wrote her a note on the mirror this morning that she was beautiful, but that what I really loved were the mundane moments. I am finding a great comforting pleasure in the simple everyday things between us. Nudging her while standing in the kitchen of one of her friends, waking up briefly in the morning and running my hand along her side before drifting back to sleep, the sound of her brushing her teeth, sitting on the couch and watching a movie with her. Simple things yet they are important to me because it is this realm of activities that I’ve been unable to share with others. I can only make someone coffee, listen to them blow their nose, grab a blanket for them, kiss their forehead while they sleep, so many times before I begin to crave my alone time. Yet thus far I’ve yet to feel the withdrawal pangs of my solitude. Being with her has been… comfortable.

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