I sooooo don’t have time to write this… but sitting here, looking out my window, thinking of my partner, I was reflecting on how it feels with her, how there is a lack of the usual pattern of thoughts, emotions and behaviors with me. How l feel very lucky indeed to have met this person. I mean… I do feel very fortunate… not to be with her… but to know her. I don’t think I would ever make that distinction in the past… but I make a very sharp distinction now. I look back in my mind to journal writings over the past year, the steady progression in happiness and contentment, really starting in Houston and a book by Thich Nhat Hahn, and finally getting to a point where more times than not lately I’ve been content and happy with being myself and not needing someone to make me feel good. I wasn’t looking for someone to fill a void because I had no void to fill. Unlike in the past when I wanted someone to fill a void of emptiness in me. I think of people who are lonely now and I want to tell them that love exists… but that it cannot live in a void and that a person cannot fill that void but really only reinforces behaviors and emotional responses (people can be a drug too). If you are looking for someone to fill a void, you are looking to fill a job description… how can you truly love that person more than you love the job description? I look at who I’ve been and who I am and who I want to be… and I am happy for all the shit that I’ve gone through… for it shaped me into who I am and who I am is a happy guy content to live his life in peace and mindfulness. If I had met her a few years ago we might not have hit it off. Aside from the fact that she would have been in high school, I would not have have been mentally and emotionally ready. But she is not filling a void in me, she is not filling an empty job position. She is something unique and rare that I’ve had the pleasure of discovering, and rediscovering every time I am with her. I take pleasure out of being with her and any experience with her. There is no void that she is filling, but she has added to the happiness and contentment that I already felt in my life.
I am now running late for work and I hate to be late.