Love, Courage, and Uncertainty

It has been a while since I’ve updated in this electronic format. I’ve only really two long entries in my paper journal. The reasons vary. One of them is that I have let one of my girls crash at my apartment, along with her boyfriend, while she looks for a place to live. I’ve stayed with Eliza on the nights that I can and twice a week I’ll sleep on the couch at the club, getting up to come home to take a shower. I’ve not had my own place for almost a month and my cat mauls me with affection whenever I come home. I finally have my place back as the girl is now into an apartment and the place needs a cleaning… badly. But tonight I sleep in my own bed and I’m going to love it. Eliza is off partying right now. I would like for her to be with me tonight, but I am also open to her feeling her freedom to do what she wants. The sun comes up in the east right now and I’ve got some green tea brewing. I’ll grab a couple of hours sleep before noon and then I’ll get up and possibly go hiking.

Eliza and I have been together for a month and a half. Two days after our one month dinner, a night of perfection, we had broke up for half a day and got back together. I’ve also had to battle through the emotions of her being with two guys. I could go into details about the two incidents but I wont. They are bad and I am not going to try to make them out worse or less than they are. The truth of the matter is that each incident ripped my guts out, an incredible amount of emotional pain.

But this isn’t an entry to write about the sins of Eliza. This is a note of celebration and love. Because when I have loved, or have thought I have loved, in the past, what I sometimes thought was love was really emotional reactions and identity. Neurotic jigsaw puzzles fitting together. I do not take away from the intensity of past loves, but that my understanding and depth of love grew with each attempt. The love that I have for Eliza is real. I make this claim not from the stance of a schoolboy, but of a man who has opened himself up routinely to the slings and arrows of others, who has gone to the edge of suicide and has turned back from it, who has given his heart unconditionally to others. I know what pain is… I know what love is. I am in love with Eliza.

There are aspects of Eliza that make it trying. When she was with the last guy it tore my heart out through my ribcage. I was on the phone with her in the mall when she told me and I cried my eyes out as I walked through the mall, trying to get out away from people but not really caring what they thought or saw. I’ve gone to her apartment, angry as hell and when I see her I melt and all anger leaves me completely. I recall a thought in a song somewhere whe the singer said that “you’ll have to be a bigger man, a stronger man with a strong love” because the singer sang about her faults and insecurities and contradictions. It isn’t that I am turn a blind eye to aspects about Eliza because it matches a role of a strong love within my mind. No… I would have quit seeing her altogether before now. No… it is that I have this immense love that I feel that I am just starting to tap into, and yet this love is of a character and maturity of which I’ve only dreamed of enacting before. Compared to my love for her, the person that I see in the mid afternoon after we’ve both been up for a few hours and have had our coffee (hence she is free of alcohol and drug influences)… the person that I see in that smile and those eyes… that person I would die for. She sometimes drinks a lot and will come under the influence of something and she’ll become moody and cranky and will snap at me and it sometimes stings and I’ll want to go off to a corner and nurse my wounds. But then I’ll feel love from this deep reservoir and it will make such actions from her seem small. Like I told her last night, my love is greater than her being with that other guy. And it is.

Now I shouldn’t write this in this manner, giving the impression that she is always getting drugged up and drunk and being mean. Not at all. Tonight at the club she did get this way for a while but I saw instead that she was frustrated because she didn’t have control of her body and had a loss of coordination yet she was aware of it and because of this she could not operate at a level she wanted to and make money at work. Most of the time she is wonderful to be around. Actually I like being near her however she is, even if she is moody… I’ll read at the edge of the bed. But some times with her are more enjoyable than others to be sure (grin). She has just left a relationship and I told her that I was bothered at some level because she left one relationship and just entered into one with me; that she didn’t really play the field much before settling in with me. I get mixed signals from her at times… that she wants to give herself to me, but also that she is afraid of such a move and that she wants to be free and not held down. I make no judgments on her because I am beginning to know her and her past. It is natural that she feel the way she does. This is one of the big factors in her moving to Hawaii in a couple months where she will live for anywhere from three months to a year. She is afraid of settling down, she’s moved around from Oregon to Conneticut to Texas to Portland to Eugene and now soon to Hawaii. I understand, I empathize, and my love is strong enough, I believe, to not only wait for her, but to also show her that she can come to believe in a person, can come to count on someone being there, can honestly believe that someone loves the “her” within. It isn’t an overnight thing, it isn’t going to happen soon, but over time. Love is not an altered conscious state, it is an action verb. When I told her that I make no judgments on her and that I love all of her, good and bad, I meant it.

She tells me that I am wonderful. I’ve heard this before from several women that I’ve been involved in. I am not bringing this up for points, but to make one distinction. When she tells me this the desire within me is not to shun the compliment from her for modesty on my part, as I’ve done in the past, nor is it to tell her that she is great also… but my desire in my heart when she tells me this is that she not only feels such about me, but also about herself in loving me. That is, that she believes I am wonderful, that she is wonderful in how she loves me, and that we, together, are wonderful! Here I am referring to an aspect of love in action. Remember that love is an action verb and my loving her is not something where I want to possess her. What does that mean, to possess someone? I don’t want to possess her… I want to love her. Imagine such a state when two people are loving each other. Sex is referred to as “making love” because it is an action verb and it might be when two people are expressing their mutual love. But “making love” for me is an every minute, every day occurence and in this spirit one might come to understand what I am meaning. Imagine a shared life of two people where each actively loves the other. And love isn’t alway agreeable, sometimes it is sticking to your guns and disagreeing with the other. But what a fantastic extra level this brings to life!

She is going to Hawaii and I’ve told her that I am open to the possibility of her not writing me at all. I said this because I want her to truly experience freedom. I wanted her to date every guy she meets, do everything she wants to do. Should she feel a love for a guy of the sort that I feel for her… how could I not be happy for her (as I would also be sad for myself)? Yes, it is a hope within me that she comes back and returns to my arms, but only if she loves me, and I have to believe that her feeling and understand of love would be deepened through such an experience. I am a full 9 years older than her and I while I do not lessen her emotional experiences, I understand that she might have a some more experiences to have before she can love me. Oh, she loves me now, but she is holding herself back and she is afraid. And so it is with faith… funny… I have no faith in god or in any purpose to life… but I am expressing faith in love. So it is with faith that I continue to open myself up further to her, to give more of myself to her, all with the knowledge that she is leaving me in a couple weeks with the very real possibility that I might never see her again at all, nor even hear from her again, but that should she have true love for me, that she will grow in her understanding of and giving of that love and that she will desire to come back to me so that we might make love every minute of every day.

The golden rays of the sun creep through my window, peeking through the still branches of the trees near my balcony. It is six a.m. and I am going to go to bed. Her smile is in my heart and my thoughts will no doubt linger around images of her before I drift into sleep.

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