re-awakening

I am often criticised by some for not finishing things.  I am THE GREAT STARTER of wild and ambitous projects.  One psychological profile I took in the past had me as the guy you wanted if you were starting some visionary business and were building it out of thin air.  But it stated that when you got the machine in place, move me to another startup, as daily maintenance was not my thing.

Some have looked quite negatively on my not going for the end.  Case in point, it is now 2006 and I expect to get my Bachelors in Science, Psychology, degree in Fall of 2007.  I started in Fall of 1995 in Arkansas.  Actually, I started in 94 in a community college in California, taking a Music Appreciation class just before getting out of the Marines.  I had no idea what I wanted to study, but I loved music and I loved the French Horn.  I bought an old French Horn and began to practice and realized that five years was a long time to be away from playing four hours a day.  I took college without knowing what I wanted. 

I made trips to the library to find some structure.  I was down on my luck and needed a direction to go into.  Medical School seemed to be it.  I thought I wanted to go into Psychiatry as I was reading William James at the time and the philosophical side of me was growing in leaps and bounds daily.  Reading my entries from that time (available here on LJ) I was also a depressed love-searching fool who had no real sense of self worth and sought it in other women all the time.  I fell in love as easily and as often as one might change a channel on the t.v.  It took falling in love for real, with Gin, in Houston and the subsequent breakup to throw me into the deepest depression I’ve experienced to learn who I truly was.  This was one of my ventures into the Cthonic Underworld where I came back reborn.  The classic tale lived in my own life.

After I found who I was I began to expan my sense of self.  I agree with the writings of ecopsychologist that I read in last night’s reading, that one’s Self is not merely cased within this house of skin and bone.  It is partial to the the physical surroundings as well as the World Unconscious (an extension of the Collective Unconscious).  It was at the peak of this that I moved to Eugene, Oregon.  Over time I lost sight of that, and it will take some more distance in time before I am able to see what exactly happened.  Did I go through some needed changes, or did I simply take a wrong turn?  I wrote this email out to everyone back in February of 2000 and as I woke up this morning, eager to read more in the field of ecopsychology and counting down the days till first day of classes, I thought of this entry and had to look it up again, to re-read it.

Wow.  That feeling is what lies underneath my consciousness, it permeates me and opens my eyes a little faster this morning than the black coffee, still brewing, will.

I cannot wait until tomorrow… for now I must go to work.

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