Up and off to class. I decided to take the bus to the train. It was about the same amount of time, but will cost me four dollars a day. An adult pass is $73 a month, and to get the student one, much cheaper, you have to get it the first week of school. What a crock. So I’m not buying into it and will find other routes to go to school.
The test was easy. I wonder who writes the questions. Some were obviously stupid questions with absurd answers, gimmies, and others were debatable due to syntax. I guess that you shouldn’t philosophically read into test questions. But if I miss one of them I will argue my case. The prof said that the questions would come from the book test battery.
I listened to “Answer” to start my day off with. But this time I used it as emotional energy about what I was looking for and what I wanted to be in a relationship. I used it as fuel for me to keep trying to develop, to become the best person I know I can be, to deepen my awareness and cultivate my compassion, to sharpen my intellect, to exercise my body, to broaden my awareness, to further my experiences. Such is the type of person I am looking for… such is likely the type of person She, whoever she is, is likely to be looking for.
Then I let the iPod pick random songs. Queen’s “I want to break free” came on and it was a welcomed upbeat song. It seemed to fit also. Then Alanis Morrissette’s “Not the Doctor” came on and it was great. Then “Reprise/Fly Away” themes from the movie “Superman Returns” came on and it too was great.
During the morning, while walking in the sunshine, my prayerbeads around my wrist, me working down the beads slowly, saying to myself “I am worthy” each time, and listening to the music… I sensed a negative tension in my face. I’ve feel it often in the space between my eyes, like I’ve quite frowning my forehead and suddenly am aware of not contracting muscles there. It is an odd feeling. This morning I felt this, feel this now, in the bottom corners of my mouth, the parts that are pulled in a frown. As I walked through the park, I couldn’t help but smile, heart light and hopeful, sunshine gleaming through treetops and blue skies.
I am still acutely aware of the pain and the baggage that lies beneath my easy smile. I cannot help but laugh in joy at many things around me, but with each laugh, each smile, each twinkle in my eye there is a stabbing of pain, very faint, but it is there, a reminder of the darker, harsher, sharper edges of life. It makes whatever it is that brought me to laugh that much nicer, that much sweeter. It is like the story of the man on the vine between two tigers, one above and below, and he sees a strawberry and eats it… and it is the best strawberry he’s ever had.
Am I learning a lesson now? Will I forget this lesson?