more thinking on the shadow

I am watching the Cubbies on the t.v., trying to do some reading for psychology, and thinking about things all at the same time.  I don’t know a lot of the new players on the team, but I like Lou’s fire. 

I want to look up a landmark article from the 90’s arguing about the Big Five personality trait.  I also read that there were thousands of personality tests and among them were one for self esteem.  Hmm… I wonder what the most common one was, how valid and reliable it was, and if it was correlated with other personality traits.

This got me thinking aobut self esteem and I’ve backed up a little bit in my thinking that I have no self esteem.  I think that I do.  It is hard, at times, to define the subtle things that make up one’s self.  It is like biting one’s own teeth.  Perhaps this is why I, and many people, are so fascinated by personality quizes and such… as a means of using any type of mirror of one’s self.

I am horny as a hell lately.  Sheesh.  I notice EVERY shapely hip, curvacious body, graceful neck, smoky eyes, bountiful breasts, that comes in a ten mile radius of me.  A woman came into the bar and was stunning… to me she was.  The other bartenders thought her pretty, but she knocked my socks off and I could only say “holy cow” about twenty times.  She had an average figure, good skin, deep brown eyes (like Edie Brikell’s) and long, straight, brown hair.  No ring on her finger.  She, however, paid no attention to me whatsoever.  She wasn’t mean or anything.  She and her friend were nice.  It is just that she didn’t give any sign, any second glances, or anything that said that she recognized I was there.  Doesn’t matter… I can’t ask a guest out… it crosses the line, I believe.

Seriously… I am major in need of some sex right now.  But I’ve got no prospects.  There is one woman who I could at least make out with, and possibly more, but I get the impression that it would get weird between us, that she might read more into it than she first admits to.  So that is a no go.  There is another girl whom we’ve already talked about romantic interest and she handled it very gracefully.  However, we are building a friendship (I see her in a few hours and give her a birthday present, a Tom Robbins novel and comlete works of Shakespeare) and I don’t want to jeopardize this.  I don’t go out and so I’m pretty much out of luck.  I was off at 10 on a Saturday night and thought about going out to a bar.  But to do what?  Sit there?  I went out to bars during Spring Break and had a woman want to go home with me.  She called herself a “beer slut” and I was sooooo not interested in her.  Just because I’m horny doesn’t mean I’ll do it with Janet Reno.

Or does it.  I went to a porn shop last night.  I debated and changed my mind a million times en route.  I was going to not go but to go into a strip club instead.  No, I was going to go to a video booth.  No I was going to buy a movie.  No I was going to… sheesh.  A million and one debates going on in my mind.  In the end I went to the porn store and was thinking about going to a booth and hooking up with a guy.  No questions asked, no strings, just getting off.  But as I looked around the videos, I noted the circling sharks around me.  The guys that were ‘cruising’ and none of them were interesting.  I am not attracted to men though sex with a guy is not good or bad.  It just is.  Yet while I pretended not to notice any of them, I was watching everyone out of the corner of my eye, and these guys ellicited the opposite response within me… I didn’t like them.  Strong word… I didn’t hate them, didn’t feel malice toward them… repulsion, if it is the opposite of attraction, is more like the truth.  Now Tera Patrick….. holy cow… what a body.

Okay, so I couldn’t get with a guy.  Didn’t want to.  I even tried to make myself do it just to observe my internal reactions, as I’ve done in the past as a sort of experiment on myself, but nope… no interest and certainly no interest in the guys.  As I left and got in my car, a middle aged guy was leaving and getting into his car next to mine.  He watched me for the entire time, doing the ‘cruising’ bit, looking to see if I’d look back again at him, give him the opening to say hello to me, and then off to sex some place.  But the guy reeked of pathetic to me.  Probably not him, but my impression of him, who who knows, maybe both. 

And this is a point that I am trying to understand now.  Why is this so?  It isn’t his sexual preference that I found pathetic.  For the ‘beer slut’ woman who wanted to go home with me was likewise as well.  It isn’t the openness for sex that is pathetic to me.  I could name a few women I know that I would simply like to have sex with, in the same manner that I’d play Scrabble with them, with the same emotional content.  Yet it is polite to ask a woman to play Scrabble, it is not impolite to ask her if she’d like to come home with me for sex.  Were she to say yes, it wouldn’t seem to me that she were pathetic or cheap or a slut… but the woman at the bar that drank the shots and called herself a beer slut, or the guy that followed me out into the parking lot and watched me leave, both are cheap.  The difference?  Not quite sure right now, but I think that I’m on to something.

So yeah, I bought a movie and went home, locked the cats out of the bedroom, and enjoyed the excellent acting.  Really bad, but the girls were talented. 

I am having beers with N tonight.  Perhaps I’ll tell her a little of my counseling questions I am workin on.  We are becoming friends and perhaps I need to share more with friends.  That is why I post this online… making myself open up and be honest with those that know me, my friends, though this is a select list of friends and not just anyone on my friends list.  So if you can read this… yeah… you are A-Okay in my book.

So in light of this, and my dancing around the edges last night, and letting myself go, as my counselor says, “just a little into the forest and back out, always looking deeper”, I noted that at no time last night did I feel lacking in self esteem.  I didn’t feel such when the very pretty girl came into the bar.  I simply dropped the matter when, 1, she never looked at me a second time, and 2, she had an expensive necklace and a fancy ring on her right hand.  She seemed, to me, materialistic and I am simply not that and generally don’t do well with people that are.  I did my taxes and supposedly I grossed $31,000 last year.  Not bad for a single guy with two cats.  But most of leisure is coffee, books, movies, going hiking (gas money) and stuff like that.  I don’t have a lot of things I can point to and say “there’s my money”, but I have a lot of depth in my heart, of stopping at a greasy spoon on a deserted highway, covered with mud and smelling of spruce, and eating an apple pie. 

I must get off my ass and go to Starbucks and access an online quiz for school.  I’ve got to read more.  I need to work on my reading so that every waking minute is spent reading.  Maybe not that much… but closer than I am now.

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