It has been a month, ish, since my last counseling appointment. I’ve had a long three weeks at school, work, and the guard. I can’t blame my shortcommings on these, however, for I have had opportunities and time to do things… but have had no concentration. I find myself doing nothing, or stupid wasteful things, for a long time and it is like I am looking at myself from within a tiny glass cube on the inside and cannot yell or pound the glass enough to get the other part of my mind or my body to do what it needs to do. Right now I should be writing a paper… but I am not. I did maintenance on my guitar to fix it, cleaned the bathroom, and laundry… and still haven’t so much as cracked open a text book or anything. I will never hack it in graduate school like this.
I told Deborah on the phone, just now, that I was sometimes getting messed up with my class, Literature of Warfare, and didn’t know why. I don’t have PTSD… but the themes of sacrifice and waste resonate deep with me and will put me in an odd state for hours. I didn’t tell her that after a class recently I felt like I was falling apart and wanted to call her and just let myself go… to cry and fall down on the floor and simply die. But I didn’t want to impose on her and thought this a sign of weakness. I wanted to call Taryn up for this, and thought that it would change her perception of me, as she thinks highly of me and not only are we becoming good friends, but we’ve made out on a few occaisions. I thought of Eliza and do not feel comfortable giving in to her in such a manner. In the end I decided to suck it up, tighten my belt, fix my resolve, and push whatever it was back down inside and move on. But it does bother me. Even now, after just talking with her on the phone, I feel hesitant in bohering her, in reaching out to her, in asking her to give up her time and spending energy on me. I feel so guilty in doing this… I should not be asking such from her.
I read up a little on Freud’s notion of transference. It isn’t simply “falling in love with the therapist” though this does happen, but it is the projection of one’s feelings about their parents, or significant other, onto the therapist. Or it could be the projection of the needs one has in a person onto the therapist. And as I have felt very confortable with Deborah… and have wanted to open up to her… I’ve tried to look at what it is about her that I am finding alluring and am needing… is it simply the therapist’s approach to non-judging of the person? I find this in Natassja, and perhaps I’ll find it in Taryn as well. I know Gin will accept me for my weaknesses… yet I’ve not included her in these posts, though she is on other ‘friends only’ post. I’ve had a relationship with Gin in the past and this impacts my openness with her. How?
I am, after having set up the appointment, in a somber mood.