well worn paths of neurons past

My last counseling session  didn’t have any great revelations in it.  I went in and expressed that I was somewhat anxious about dating Soriah.  I had expressed that all my relationships have a pattern to them, that I can’t fully figure out, that points to problems with my own self.  I was afraid that suppose that this new relationships is something good and I fuck it up due to the same patterns.  We’ve not gotten anywhere on this front yet.

Tonight’s date was okay.  I was not in top form.  I waited for a little over an hour, got a table at the restaurant, and ordered appetizers for the other people (it was a three couple date) and they were super late and I had to cancel.  But that isn’t really that worrysome. I’m used to the ‘hurry up and wait’ mentality of the military.  I had a minor bout of being annoyed, but it lasted less than a minute.  It went away when I saw her come into the coffee shop to pick me up. 

We carpooled to the museum of science to see the Bodyworks show.  I am normally very quiet when I first meet people.  When I was first back from Iraq, Eliza and a couple that we know, went out to dinner.  Eliza got angry and cross with me for being so quiet.  I was hurt that I was not able to just be.  It shocks people who see me bartend and how easy it is for me to interact with people to see me so quiet and reserved when I am in intimate situations.  I am.  I try to combat it and it just makes me that much more anxious and doubtful of myself.  Soriah had made a couple of comments about how I was a talkative person when she met me.  What was this?  Was it an act before?  She might have been playing with me… but I can’t tell. 

The Bodyworks exhibit was amazing.  I could easily have spent three hours in there.  Near the beginning, however, something about it really roused the emotions within me.  I felt tears in my eyes and wanted to leave.  I couldn’t.  So I retreated to a picture on the wall to turn my back on everyone and to read.  Bad choice.  It had a picture of Tibetan monks that were flaying the flesh off of a corpse to feed to the vultures.  It gripped me and would not let go and I wanted to cry.  I kept trying to imagine doing what the monks were doing, to do that to the corpse of someone I loved, and to see the remains in the photograph, the vultures behind… I ached.  Soriah was curious as to my mood.  I wanted to share with her.  I wanted to open up and let her in.  But I can’t.  When I’ve gotten near this theme in the past, the theme of killing, she expressed her discomfort with it and wanting to move on.  I got the point that this area is not to be talked with her about.  How can I share what is bothering me with her?  Instead, I just make some half-assed statements and shrug my shoulders.  I must come off as an idiot or gods knows what.

I tried to open up in conversation at dinner afterward.  It didnlt flow naturally.  After dinner I walked her to the car with her friends, they live out of town and were giving her a ride home, and I do not know if I imagined it… but it felt final to me.  It felt as though she were cutting me off and this was pretty much the end of line.

I write this out because I am trying to understand the feelings and emotions.  We’ve dated for just under a month.  It is too damn early for me to be emotional about such things.  Yet the fact that I am is the very thing that has plagued me in the past. It is the subject matter that I am asking my therapist to help me out with, whatever it is that sabotages my relationships of the past. 

Feelings.  I feel unwanted.  I feel ugly.  I feel incapable.  I feel unloveable.  I feel that I have nothing to offer anyone.  I feel that nobody in their right mind would want me.  God… how could they even look at me and see something they’d want to kiss or hold, I think as I look at my reflection.  Every little thing is taken as a small reminder of how true these feelings are.  The things that she does that are completely meaningless and not connected are taken as signs that I am not desireable, wanted, needed, loved, or so forth.

I can intellectually see the folly in all of this.  It is early dating.  If she didn’t want to see me she’d not do so.  There is no large investment in me at this point.  There are other thigns as well that show how dumb these emotions are. Again, I know this.  I am cataloging them to try and understand why these emotions are here at all.

I do not know

I listen to Holly Cole sing a rendition of “Trust in Me” and it is soothing and inviting.  This is a scary thought, for the song is sung by the snake that is attempting to eat Mowgli. 

Trust in me, just in me
Close your eyes and trust in me
You can sleep safe and sound
Knowing I am around

Slip into silent slumber
Sail on a silver mist
Slowly but surely your senses
Will cease to resist

Trust in me, just in me
Close your eyes and trust in me

Slip into silent slumber
Sail on a silver mist
Slowly but surely your senses
Will cease to exist

Trust in me, just in me
Close your eyes and trust in me
Close your eyes and trust in me

The last line… as Holly sings it (and well done too) is the tempting one.  ‘slowly but surely your senses will cease to exist”.  It is as though one is going into a sleep… no more pain, no more anguish.  I recall times in the past when I wanted to slip into the eternal sleep.  I do not consider such tonight… but it is not as foreign of a thought as one might surmise.

I do not know what the sources of these emotions are.  They are not Soriah.  They are something that I am dealing with that I’ve still not figured out.  Can one share such fuckups with a potential romantic partner?  How do you go to a potential mate and say ‘hey, I have issues of trust and acceptance… so good luck”.  How do you do this with someone who is a counselor and of whom you do not look to for counseling, meaning, I do not want a mother or a counselor as my romantic partner.  So what… you keep from sharing any and all feelings?

My counselor has such nice ways of putting things.  I wish I could see her right now and talk through some of this. I have friends, very dear friends, everywhere it seems… yet why is it that I am always alone.  It is certainly no fault of theirs… it is to do with my habits and lifestyle and how I deal with people.  I have, in ways of my life’s structure and rhythms, have everyone at arms’ length away from me. 

I do not expect her to call.  Intellectually I do.  Intellectually I understand that she wants to see me again.  She said so.  She invited me to go strawberry picking tomorrow.  But emotionally I do not expect her to ever see me again.  Big disconnect there. Big problem somewhere that I do not understand.  Is it fair to ask someone to invest their emotions in me wihen I have such?

I’m talking idiotic.  I’m just trying to get this out on paper so that I might see something to analyze and pull apart.  Something to talk about in my next session.  I don’t know.

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