I’ve spent the past hour going over old journal entries, visiting a friend’s website where she wrote of her own trials of the heart and offered her some Zen advice. I bought a gorgeous pendant that is called “Gawain’s Pentagram” and am once again visiting some of my writings in my warfare of literature class. I tried converting one of the sections into a webpage and it was several megs in size. Huge. I’ll try to get around to posting it online, pictures and all, and having a disclaimer for one to start the page loading and then go make coffee and come back.
My life is a miracle I sit and am amazed at what I’ve gone through and learned and developed into. There is such a treasure of love and depth to me to offer. I commented to a friend in 95 that I wanted to write a book but felt that I had not experienced enough to write about the human condition. I wrote that I wanted kids, but had not grown enough to warrant the shaping of young minds and hearts. That I wanted a great love but felt that I had not deepened enough to experience one.
I will not say that I am ready for all… for as I recognized then how much I had to learn, so now do I recognize how much I have to learn and grow. I have sadness for failures of the past. But I also have joys of the past as well. I hope to keep in mind the person that I am… that I truly am… right now. Wow. And what of other people? To see them as they truly are… not as my irritations or hopes or fears or resentments or dislikes… but as they truly are. How changing this is to one’s view.
I feel peace.