Rarely do I turn to alchol for soothing. I can recall individual episodes in the past two decades when I needed a drink. I am going to make one now.
I’ve written, and I’ve told my therapist, about times when the feeling comes over me that I am close to falling apart into a million pieces, that I am exhausted from keeping all of the splinters that make my self togther and how puzzling it was to me to feel this sensation. I feel as though I were bound by scotch tape and that it was about to come undone and I’d explode like a supernova into a zillion pieces into the universe. I didn’t understand this.
I am thinking again of the firefight in Iraq. In the last couple of counseling sessions we went to this topic and instant emotion wells up within me. The last one we ventured into it some more. I would become filled with emotion and then take a deep breath and soothe mysself. The therapist says that it is a very good coping mechanism I am using… that I am very good at it. Lots of practice. I still don’t have any visual memories of what I saw down the street. I have clear memories of my hands on the rifle, the feel of it, the pulling the trigger… but not of what I saw. I know there were lots of bodies on the ground because others have said that they saw them all.
My therapist wants me to try EMDR. She says that while I don’t have some signs of PTSD, I do have others… constant irritation (every damn day I am irritated by many people) and startle reflex. But there is more. As I finished a short test and we went over the results, there was also the emotionality of certain levels of intensity. I reported that when I get to a certain intensity of emotion, things fall apart and I shut down. With (my ex) we’d be making out hot and heavy and I’d get so worked up… and then I’d put the breaks on and back off. Frustrating to her and I recall the many fights that my last relationship had about this issue, which adds to more frustration on my part and a healthy dash of negative affect to the already boiling pot of emotion I am feeling. There are some other issues as well. Lack of concentration, really pissing me off in school, that I cannot focus. Also I am tired a lot of the time… mentally tired and I can’t read but a few pages and I am sleepy and tired and have to close my eyes. And then we got to the concept of the amount of energy my mind is spending on repressing these things and that this is ailing me in a lot of ways and why I might feel like I might fall apart at times. That made perfect sense.
So we might try some EMDR therapy. I hope it works. I am entering a new relationship and I don’t want an insane amount of baggage to deal with, nor subject her to all of this crap. It’d be nice to be able to deal with somone from a more stable platform than what I’ve had for the past two years.