dream, snakes, relationships, PTSD, witch

I got up a noon today.  It was good… it’s been 3 pm the last two days… the first days off (in a row) that I’ve had in 8 days of closing shifts at the restaurant.  I did (drum roll please)….. NOTHING!  Absofuckinglutely nothing!  I slept… I watched stupid ass television… I ate popcorn… I drank pina coladas.

Got a buzz…

…. went to the park….

…. laid in the grass with a buzz and admired the gently blowing willow trees in the setting Pacific Northwest Sun.

AAAAAAHHHHHH.

My pay at Gustavs was severely hampered.  I was short in my guess by about $300.  Yikes.  So I called off my plans with Soriah.  She came down hard on me.  Well, I should rephrase that.  She wasn’t as supportive as she could be and I took it harder than I ought to.  I called her a couple of days later and we talked on the phone till 2 in the morning.  Her prior relationship of several years had financial problems, well, he had financial problems.  It seemed, to her, a repeat of the same pattern.  Okay.  I am not Suze Orman,. but I’ve gotten better.  Little oversights here and there have been drastic (recall a couple of months ago) but maybe she is right… I need to watch my shit more.  Living in the here and now is okay, but what was that story about the grasshopper and the ant?  As I settled in for bed after our talk I saw my new necklace in the mirror… the Sir Gawain pentagram with the five elements written in latin around the circle and I remembered my answer to her when she asked me about my wearing a plain pentagram before.  I told her it was about balance.  I ducked the question (for now… too big of a question and area of my life with too many misconceptions about it to answer in a drive to a restaurant or over the phone).  But it is about balance for me… balance of the five elements and in my quest to be good to not forget about the dark… in my quest to understand the dark to not forget about the aspirations… and to remember that it isn’t a duality… there are other factors, third, fourth, fifth ways…. complexes and hidden paths… and a great circular encompassing reality that is it all (again… my love for Spinoza comes out).  I am to go meet her for coffee on Thursday… perhaps we can talk about this sort of thing then.  Perhaps the next day when we are both off and going to the country fair.  She’s bound to notice me eyeing something witchy at a sales booth.

I haven’t done a ritual this full moon.  Not very pious of me.  Yet the past few nights have seen me skimming various books, entries, etc.   Last night was parts of “The Witches’ Goddess” by the Farrars (excellent, the Farrars are among my favorite authors), finishing “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” (loaned to me by Soriah, one of her favorite books, and reminds me very much of the Discordians in neopaganism), and a variety of selections in a book of collected pieces by many authors dealing with the Shadow concept.

I had my first dream in a long time… at least, the first one I can remember in quite some time.  The theme… snakes.  One of the short entries I read was on the Goddess Bast.  It mentioned that the Nile was infested with snakes (easy to imagine) and that cats were prized for their snake killing ability.  As I read this entry I noted with curiosity that my three kittens were all three playing with a belt lying on the floor.  I could easily imagjne them killing a snake in the Nile.  We are not so far removed from our past as we might think.    The dream felt like a lengthy one, though I recall only a little of it now.  It was set in my bedroom and all was as it was prior to my going to sleep.  The only difference was that there were snakes under my bed… lots and lots and lots of snakes.  What is more is that they had given birth to lots of baby snakes.  The kittens seemed oblivious to them and as I’d pick one up from the ground to put ontop of the bed I’d also pick up a baby snake as well.  I brushed it off with no emotional revulsion (snakes give me the heebie jeebies) and noted the absence of such as I did so.  In the dream I exercised caution in that I didn’t stick my hands under the bed, but I did bend over the edge to look under, take note, and go back to sleep (in the dream I was awake).

Interesting.  The entry about snakes was a very small part of my total reading last night.  I’ve not had a dream to remember in quite some time.  I can recall dreams of snakes more than any other dream from my child hood.

One goes like this… I was living in Strong, Arkansas and was just before Kindergarten age.  I dreamed that there were rattlenakes in the carport, the laundry room, all over the ground.  In another dream, I dreamed that I was in the yard behind the house, near the forest, and had tapped the ground with a stick and snakes came.  This memory of a dream is linked to what might be an actual memory or a made-up memory (or all three) in that I tapped the ground with a stick as a kid and large earthworms came out of the ground.  It has the feeling of being real, and I recall that as a kid I learned sometime after that if you tap the ground after a rain that worms come up (I’ve not been able to replicate this, but it is interesting that the movie Dune has such occuring in it).

I had straightened up my collection of tarot cards and had picked up an erotic themed one (I have two sex themed decks) and glanced through it.  Some of the charged imagery didn’t have the charge that they did before.  I was more neutral in my responses… that is… more evenly spaced out. There wasn’t as much of a pull to/push against some of the imagery.  Interesting.  I got to the image of “The Devil” and paused.  I had, in my reading on the shadow came upon yet another commentary of The Devil in the tarot, one that was not very pagan but more Western philosophical in view.  As I came upon this particular deck’s image, a gorgeous woman, naked, red skinned, with horns and large bat wings (what I’d expect a succubi to look like) I recalled past translations of the card as well as Lilith.  This wasn’t the image of the Devil… this to me was Lilith… and it was easily confused by some.  Recall the movie “Bedazzled”… she is supposed to be Satan… but is this movie drawing upon the power of Lilith?  Hmmm.

I recalled my answer to Soriah’s question of the pentagram as “balance” and yet I’ve not been balanced.  I am a swinger (GRRRR BABY, YEAH) in that I move from one extreme to another… from spiritual… swiiiiiiinnnnng over to the physical….. swwwiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnng over to intellectual…. and so forth.  The pendant that I have now has a dark red stone in the center.  The center.  What is the center.  Where is it?  I’ve not focuses on the center in so long… I’ve focused on moving in directions.  I’ve realized a lack of grounding in Earth and have dropped most everything to move in that direction, to realize that I am out of whack in another.   I feel a focus on the circle… on the center… coming to being and this practice is what I feel my own being a witch is about… the living in such balance and harmony, of being able to mete out fire or water or earth to that around me, the circle of harmony in Aikido… the center, the balance.

My therapist loaned me a CD of guided imagery designed for PTSD sufferers.  I downloaded it onto my iPod and after a night of reading I went to bed with the guided meditation.  It didn’t work.  The guided medittation had me start out as they often do, focus on breathing, your body, etc… and then I imagined a trusting guide next to me.  I smiled… for on my arm, fast asleep and occaisionally chattering his teeth in dream, was my orange tabby cat… Prometheus… a total lover cat who loves to play and get belly rubs.  I imagined a being and was surprised that it was a being of  light with angel wings.  Okay… I went with it.  However, the imagery had me going through a wasteland with great depressing features and jagged edges.  It wasn’t what came to me.  I was imagning a deep forest of magical beauty with surreal lighting.  I instantly found myself in a cathedral like portion of the forest and a triple aspect bronze statue was in the middle… the figurines were lithe, graceful, and were cast in a motion of something like a dance… as though the three women were in a dance or so.  I couldn’t see details, only vagueness, as though I needed and didn’t have eyeglasses.  The guided imagery was distracting because the voice kept talking about tarpits of despair and so forth… and here I was in a totally removed spot.  Some things… lots of things came and sat on the statue… black wings… .sharp black wings.  Not like a bats… not like a ravens… but as black and deep as a raven’s wings… but they were sharp… like a swallow’s wings.  I couldn’t see what they were… all I could make out were the wings.  This flock of somethings were sitting on the statue.  I don’t recall feeling anything from or toward them.  I don’t recall feeling any malice.

The voice on the iPod was too distracting with her woe and negative landscape and I wasn’t able to stay in this place.  But I wonder what it might mean… what I saw… and such.  Earlier in the night I remembered my interest in doing a ritual for the shadow self and designing one.  I’ll have to remember this for the coming New Moon.

Soriah is a challenge. She asks questiosn a lot and she is often searching, my expressions, my words, etc… for meanings.  I find myself qualifying and quantifying what I say and do a lot.  For someone that is an introvert as I am, this gets tiring.  Yet I looked at why was this tiring to me?  Was it just the fact of doing such?  I do not believe it is.  I believe it is the emotions behind the acts… of feeling that I have to come up with the right answer.  This is problematic and not who I am… really.  The center… balance… who I am… relax… breathe.  She saw something in me worth asking out, and I see something in her worth going out with.  I told her that making genuine connections and communication is something I am still working on… and so it is.  Balance.

Hail to the Gods, all of them, both high and low, light and dark, and those that travel inbetween.  Thank you for all your influences.

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