walking home

so I’m pretty drunk right now.  being as it is 48 degrees outside, I’m acclimatized to 70’s, and I just walked three or four miles home… I am typing very very very slowly.

But shit… I’ve gotta get something down before I go to sleep. 

I am embarrassed.  i went out with the ‘new friend’ tonight and met lots of coworkers at a bar.  I got really drunk, really fast, so that I’d have the courage to go out on the dance floor and dance.  I did go out, but I was a complete and total fool.  I realized it and left the floor for a dark corner.  At one time in the night I went out for air and my new friend followed me.  I broke down and cried.  What in the fuck is wrong with me??????  What the hell does Iraq have to do with what I am feeling right now?  NOTHING, that’s what. seriously.  Am I that dumb?  Do I have no idea what I am feeling?  I broke down and cried.  My new friend offered to pray for me.  She did.  I really appreciated her intentions.

after the bar closed we went to a coworker’s apartment.  Aroung 3 I left to go home but didn’t tell anyone.  After walking 1/4 mile home I decided I was stupid and I turned around and went back.  When I got back to the doorstep, my friend came out to check on me.  I lied and said that I had been to the nearby park.

After an hour I got up and left.  Someone spotted me leaving and I gave them a ‘ssshhhhhhh’ sign and left.  I didnt’ want to cause a fuss.  I thought if I made a point about leaving then it’d be a big deal and take away from the fun that everyone else was having.  I called the apt owner and told him I was leaving when I was down the road.  40 minutes later my friend called and asked where I was.  She had been looking for me and must have drove by me. She couldn’t find me and went home.  I am sorry I ruined the end of her evening.  My plan backfired.

There is more I’d like to say, like to express, but it has taken me 20 minutes just to type this much.  I’m going to sleep.  I don’t understand.  I try to be as good as I can, to improve where i can.  If I am such a good person, or if I am such a nice person, wouldn’t it be obvious to someone?  Wouldn’t someone take notice?

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