not yet…

Hmmm.  I did not go out and do a ritual last night.  It was a late hit in the bar.  I had lit a candle for more money before going to work… and the bar got busy and I walked with the second most money I’ve ever made in this bar in 2 1/2 years.  Sweet.  But I left late late late and I decided that since I wasn’t closing the bar the next night (tonight) I’d do the ritual then.  I’m not a very strict witch… I bend my correspondences, change the times, and so on.  It is hard for me not to, hard for me to take things as rote recipes with the past that I have.

However, I had been ready to greet my Shadow self last night and it came to me.  It filled my thoughts, my urges, my intentions, etc… when I got home.  It filled my dreams this morning and my lucid dreaming, keeping me in bed for longer than I wanted, were filled with the Shadow.

There are other things going on, other aspects to the shadow, that I do not understand.  I was tempted, nearly did so, in leaving last night after an hour at home, to go to a club and throw myself into the mix with strangers, in wild and crazy sex.  There was enough of me that was watching these thing within myself that I was curious as to what was going on.  There must be something of importance here, something to learn, to let go of, to grow through… and if I was to put myself into these situations then perhaps I could keep enough of my wits about me that I could notice the things going on within.  When I’ve done these things in the past I note to myself that the memories are blurred, that as soon as I finished with the episodes, my memory that night was fuzzy.  

Hmmm… it is a quagmire of uncertainties.  Reading other accounts of shadow work there are positives learned, behaviors, lessons, guilts dropped, and so forth.  Whatever the additional complexes of my shadow self are, the major funciton behind it, the big drive, is from my childhood.  The same things that go on today in the darkest recesses of my mind were there when I was a kid.  I still recall some of the ‘bad’ daydreams that would come to me.  Hmmm.

I told my therapist that I am ready to jump in the cave.  That venturing a little into it and then back… was growing old for me.  I wanted to leap in completely and let what happens happen.  If I must fight out tooth and nail or if I change or if I shed light or what… I was ready to do it.

I’ll do the ritual tonight.  I wish I had more to go on… more additional meanings to add, more things to make it more of a ritual and improve its chances of impacting my subconscious, of bridging that gap.


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