I am here now

My counselling sessions have been going well.  Circles, we keep going in circles. I’ve noticed a return of some of my startle responses lately and irritation.  I conveyed this to my therapist who was not surprised.  She was of the opinion that it wasn’t due to my regressing as much as it was my continued exploration of internal structures.  I keep going deeper.  I didn’t think about this aspect.

I went to class Tuesday and it was such a gorgeous day that after class I went to the Arboretum.  I parked in a different spot than I normall do and hiked a different portion.  I say hike, but it was really a walking meditation.  I carried my mapcase (people call it my green purse, HA) and within it I had my journal.  I had a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks as well.  I would walk and stop and stand and walk and stop and stand.  I had a set of prayer beads that I had attached a pentagram star circled by Ourobous.  I would hold each bead and say “I am here now”.  I had picked this notion up because the night before while driving to work I had a CD on and I had left early enough to not stress in traffic and I held the beads saying “I am here now”.  That night at work I was calm and centered and not the mean evil bartender I am turning into.  I find it a struggle, however, to maintain rewards/punishments for behavior (behaviorism) and at the same time to be calm and compassionate.  Something else going on there that I have to investigate.  Is it a need for power?  Status?

Anyway, I was walking down the Wildwood Trail and stopping to look at trees, mushrooms (the forest floor is dotted with all sorts of them), moss, whatever, and clicking a bead now and then.  Down the trail I felt present in the moment, here now… and the words “I am here now” had a diferent ring to it.  As I said the words now and then I found different meanings in them, different inflections on the words, different consequences.  I felt truly here… now.  I thought of the things I am working toward, the goals I have, the progress… and it all seemed like reaching, straining, when in reality I was here… now.

I remembered my Dad.  When I was a kid we’d be driving down the street or through the backroads of the county to some destination.  I remember asking often “where are we” and he’d smile and say “right here”.  When I’d protest that we weren’t there he’d point back through the window and say “we aren’t there, we just left… right now we are right here” and he’d point down.  He was being facecious, but he was also telling a great truth.  I thought of my counselling session with my therapist the day before and the topic my life purpose, or what I am being called to do, had again come up.  I told her that it frustrated me because I couldn’t figure it out, didn’t know.

We’ll see.  I am excited about my progress in writing this story so far.  The story is coming together, though it is very murky and dark where I want to take it from here.  I have only the vaguest of notions of what the directions are for the characters, what the underlying storyline is… transformation and degradation and a connectiveness.  But getting there… that it something else.  Keep chugging away at it… 1667 words a day.

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