Deora Ar Mo Chroí
|Deora Ar Mo Chroí||Tears on My Heart|
|Ba dheas an lá go hoíche|
Na glórtha binne i mo thaobh
‘S aoibhneas i gach áit gan gruaim
Áthas ar mo chroí go deo
Má shiúlaim ó na laethe beo
|It was beautiful all day 
The sweet voices by my side
And beauty without despair everywhere
Joy in my heart forever
If I walk from the alive days
It has been a flurry of activity for me this morning. I crammed for a quiz in Astronomy this morning and took it and left, explaining to the prof that I was going to a panel of vets with a US Senator and didn’t want to be late. The panel was good and I passed a handwritten business card to two people for possible opportunities helping vets in the future.
I left and walked with two vets, talking about working long hours and going to school and comparing envy of those students around us who have what seems like lives of less stress and concern. I saw three of the attendees from the roundtable, they from a community college, looking at the campus map. I offered to walk them to where they needed to go and that turned out to be abandoned and then I walked them to the new building and that turned out to be not used. There is, right now, no Veterans Center on campus.
In walking with them, however, we talked and compared notes and interests. At the end they gave me a card to contact them. They are giving resources, space, for a veterans center and need a personality to help affect change, to facilitate things, to move things, to start things, to help build a cohesive veteran group on campus and to help steer them to the resources (educational and mental health) that are available for them. I, in turn, am looking for an opportunity to put together my military experience with my concern for vets groups with my need to do a psychology practicum for PSU.
I just sent an email. Lets see if it is a good fit/opportunity. Right now it seems it would be.
I also emailed two professors asking for advice and possible advising. Both are amazing individuals and I could gain so much from their mentorship. I included a copy of my presentation on PTSD to everyone.
I was also just called by a reporter for the Oregonian who asked me some questions about my history in the military and my experience with the GI Bill.
Now I am sitting here and on my iPhone I am listening to some music and Enya’s “Deora Ar Mo Chroi” comes over my headphones and I am transported back to Iraq. Before I bought an iPod I had a small MP3 player that held a dozen songs. One of the ones I had on it was this song. While down south of Baghdad with long hours every night on guard duty and long hours during the day on patrol, grabbing little sleep and so forth, I would put this song on repeat and fall asleep to it. I had no idea what it meant, it is in Gaelic, but it was soothing and calming and I understood it with my heart. It was a cherished means of peace in an unpeaceful place.
What is the source of the emotions that well up as I listen to this.. it is not nostalgia. I’ve felt this before in times of peace because underneath this peace is a sense of something… something like… sacrifice. Something along the lines of we know what happiness is if we’ve experienced fully what sorrow is and that when feeling the subsequent joy there is, in framing it, a rememberence of that darker time.
But that time wasn’t that dark for me. I wasn’t scared all the time. I was just not at peace. I’ve still not fully figured out what my experience has wrought within me, but it is a deepening and a gathering of complexity.
A useful analogy I used in therapy yesterday was that of a star. A star in a binary system (two stars orbiting each other) may get mass from another star over time. That mass in turn creates greater and greater density which in turn has greater gravity and this presses the mass closer together leading to greater density and so forth. When the magic number (I believe it is 1.4 solar mass, but I am neglecting my astronomy studies) is reached core collapses upon itself and rebounds out in a Super Nova! I am a potential supernova… I feel it… yet I do not have enough density yet and I move in many circles, read many things, seek many experiences, trying to add as much mass as possible to my core self, to increase its density. When that magic number is reached…
… my life will nolonger be my own. I am not afraid of turning my life over to service, to something larger than myself. I am on the edge of exploding… but not quite there yet.