I’ve taken two walks on two different days. The day before I was watching t.v. and reading “Practical Celtic Magic” by Murry Hope and got the urge to go into the woods… so I up and drove 45 minutes to the Tillamook State Forest and went on a three hour hike. A short one. I visited Pandora’s grave, said hi to her and told her that my new cats are taking care of me (Pandora is my earlier cat that adopted me in Houston that died recently). I found some neat beaver dams and some great places for taking a nap, having sex, or just sitting and reading a book. I also had an odd pseudo-conversation with a character for a story. The conversation took on a life of it’s own and leads me to think there is something else there.
Yesterday I went to the Arboretum with a book. I carried “Soulcraft” and read one of the last chapters, ‘living as if your place in the world mattered‘… a good read. At the beginning of the chapter was this quote…
A person’s life purpose is nothing more than to rediscover, through the detours of art, or love, or passionate work, those one or two images in the presence of which his heart first opened. -Albert Camus
I was reminded of a new friend that I made. She is so full of joy and is such a beautiful person. She is moving to another city and I told her that you don’t meet people like her every day, that I’d be her friend beyond distances. It was a blessing to meet her when I was breaking up, again. I had found myself not living as my authentic self lately with another relationship and it was causing me uncertainty and distress. I realized that I had no been authentic, was not being the real me, was not offering the world of gifts that I have to offer. You can’t offer someone a world if you are afraid of showing your world. As it says elsewhere in this book,
… Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
Anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you
– David Whyte
Yes. I knew this and felt this. Meeting my new friend and feeling her acceptance of me, first as a person, and her simply holding me while I cried my eyes out in a parking lot, and simply being with me, and never, not once, judging me as something I am not or asking me to defend myself, either explicitly or otherwise… and simply being happy with her own life and saying to me “hey, here’s my happiness in living… wanna come along for a bit?” Wow. I was moved and heartened and humbled and quickened all at the same time. Here was someone that was living a beautifule life that simply tried to share that with me as a friend (there are others of you out there and I love you for it). As I read the beginning of the chapter, I thought of her example and it gave me courage. I’ve told her thanks, that I appreciate her, but she has no idea how truly thankful I am simply for her being.
From a friend…
“The reason that death sticks so closely to life isn’t biological necessity—it’s envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs what it can. But, life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two of no importance, and gloom is but the passing shadow of a cloud.” – The Life of Pi by Yan Martel
It is raining outside. I have my window open. The four cats are tearing up the apartment, running laps. I think I actaully live in a Nascar track at times. I need to find homes for the two calico kittens YESTERDAY. I love the rain. It is unusual for it to rain in the Summertime. I remember my first few summers, when I had so much unemployed time, and I’d go on walks all the time in nearby parks in Eugene with a book. Even today if I am struck with a scent or smell or breeze of wind through douglas fir and dry summer grass my memory instantly recalls those days and a feeling of nostalgia comes over me. As poor as I was, as much as I was unsure about where to work, what to do about rent, and where to live at times… I loved it… I lived in coffee shops and bookstores and park benches… reading and pondering whatever questions I could come up with. Most times poorly, but always honestly with myself as I could be.
I wrote on my mirror, among other things, a pentagram as a symbol for Earth, as a reminder of the Sensing Function in Jungian psychology. I recall past tests that I’ve taken, and a review over my journal writings will show, that this is my weakest areas. Yet in Jungian psychology it is said that if one develops (a hard task indeed) that function he/she is weakest in, then it would help the person a great deal toward individuaation. I thought of this as I pondered, for five minutes before rushing to work, the elements in my life and such. I do not place much emphasis on the Earth element. My concerns have always been Air… and I use Fire in moving around and at times I’ll be overcome by Water… but Earth? Not so much. What would happen if I actualized more Earth? What would it be like if I developed the Sensing function of my psyche? Amazing… it would be amazing.
I noted that there is BREATH and there is BREATHE and that there is a big difference between the two… but only a little ‘e’ difference as well. One was a thing… the other was an occurance. There is the thing and there is what we are mindful of doing.