Feel

An event happened recently that is supposed to elicit sadness and a sense of loss. I had a sense it was happening (it was a relationship breakup) and I was able to see that a very large part of me was detached. However, at the same time, I showed the behaviors of someone that was sad. My movements were slower, I was less interested in things around me, I hadn’t shopped for food in a few days, and sleep was difficult to come by. I could also tell there was a cloud of negative and catastrophizing thoughts on the horizon, just waiting to cover me. I recognized that should I entertain those thoughts I would find myself lost within their storm. So I did thought stopping and distraction to keep from thinking such things as I knew were out there.

Driving home after work one night I turned my lens upon myself, asking myself what, if any, emotions were present. So I imagined myself sitting in the passenger seat asking myself that was driving…

{passenger Eddie} What do you feel like?

{driving Eddie} I don’t think I think anything. I mean, I don’t know any thoughts or actual emotions that are happening right now. It is quiet up there (in my head). And yet I feel like there is lead in my stomach. My shoulders feel heavier. My face is drawn tighter. And there is a slight… buzz or tingling feeling along my skin.

{passenger Eddie} You feel all of that?

{driving Eddie} No… I mostly feel nothing… but that is because I can tell that I am not looking at myself. I don’t want to know. But now that I am looking at it and trying to name the physical feelings, staying away from the thoughts, I can feel something going on. The biggest feeling, the most prominent feeling is like a heavy rock inside my stomach. You how it is when you let someone hit you in the stomach and you prepare yourself by tightening your abs? It is like that, but on the inside. But that’s the bodily sensations.

{Passenger Eddie} What about the thoughts?

{Driving Eddie} Any sort of cognitive appraisal or emotional reality is very difficult. I can only guess is what emotions might be there because I know what the script is supposed to be. I am supposed to feel sad… that is the script and that is what I would say that I feel, but not because I know that’s what it feels like.

{Passenger Eddie} So the feelings?

{Driving Eddie} I’m not sure about that. I mean, what exactly is a feeling anyway? There is the physical part of it, the sensations in the body… and there is the mental mirror of it. I can’t seem to find the mental mirror part.

{Passenger Eddie} So what do you do about that? Is this something that is working for you?

{Driving Eddie} Well obviously not. Its like a fish trying to come up with the idea of flying. I mean, seriously, if I couldn’t make this last one work… what is the chance….

{Passenger Eddie} What?

{Driving Eddie} Negative thoughts… they are sneaky bastards. If I give in to that one negative thought that almost came out… another one will follow and before I know it I’ll be eating Government cheese in a van down by the river.

{Passenger Eddie} So what is the plan now?

{Driving Eddie} I’m not sure. Can’t think about the future right now because it is too tied up with the failings of the past and present. But there is good in the present that I can focus on. I would argue that I have the most wonderful friends on the planet. If they each had a trading card, it’d be one helluva collection. So I will focus on my projects that I am working on, the good things around me, Hunt the Good Stuff and try to live in the moment. This too shall pass.

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One thought on “Feel

  1. Hi Eddie,
    I am sorry for this loss. The feelings will come when they come. You, even though you saw it coming, are in a bit of shock. This is natural. It is so good that you can feel in your body.
    You are a good man. You are connected with many who love you. You are healing.

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