Returning to Hive or quitting a bad relationship

In the wonderful tv series Marvel’s Agents of Shield at the end of Sn 3 ep 21 Daisy meets Hive and asks to be taken back under the hive-mind control of Hive. Hive was an inhuman that sought to bring control (peace) to the population of Earth. Read about Hive here.

Watching the end of Sn3 Ep21 Daisy, who was formerly infected by Hive and under his control, faces Hive. We’re all ready for a big fight and she… kneels and asks to be taken back into the Hive.
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At first this is shocking to me. WHAT? She’s been cured of Hive’s influence and now she’s turning her back on everything (S.H.I.E.L.D., her friends, humanity) so that she can ask to be taken back into Hive? Watch the video here.

But things have changed since I first watched that a few days ago. At the time I had carved out a short amount of time in a very busy two-week training cycle to watch the episode. My days were filled with schedules of training troops and making time hacks. Now I am on a few days rest and back home and things are slower here in my apartment, alone. My mind is able to think.

I sat down to delete all the pictures of her, my last relationship. It is  like coming out of a deep fog and I see how poorly I felt. I won’t go into the details here, bashing her, only to state that at the end of the six month relationship, and the two months of limbo afterward, I am in poor shape in all  domains of life. The relationship itself tore me down and changed all of my horizons and the ending of it has wrecked me.

I don’t believe she is evil or a bad person. Like in the episode when Hive dies, he is shown not as evil, but something that wanted a connection with others. Sitting here, deleting pictures of my time with Her from my computer, it feels as though my guts are ripped out. I weep. My body wracks and shakes. It hurts. I keep going. I understand why Daisy asked to be taken back. She knew that Hive wasn’t evil, that his way of connecting with others was wrong, but yet she wanted that connection with him. When it was no longer possible, she attacked. I have no plans to attack Her, but I am incredibly bitter right now. I look at the pictures of us on trips, smiling, Christmas and Easter, riding with the top down, at the beach, the game, and I remember all the times that I did feel loved by her. And I curse at the computer, at the air around me, saying ‘fuck you’ as I shake more from crying. I can feel the longing in my heart, that if she came and knocked on the door, how easy it would be to want to go back.

But I can’t go back. I wasn’t thriving. I was deteriorating. Still am. She was a drug and I gave up everything for that drug, ignoring my needs and responsibilities at times to get a fix. So the nuclear option it is… delete all of her pics and videos and put space between the thoughts. And maybe someday I will be healthy again. Someday I will have something to offer someone and will be able to accept what they have to offer. But right now I’m a recovering addict.

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