why

Tonight I fell, again, into depression. It has been happening a lot lately. This year has been rough. This afternoon I laid on my couch for I don’t know how long. Minutes? Hours? The tv was off. The lights were dim. And I stared into space. I am without energy.

I have wondered, all night, as to what is the use. I feel certain that there is none, that all is futile. I feel a lack of all optimism. That spark of drive is gone.

A few times tonight I almost called a suicide hotline. But I don’t want to talk about my problems… they are easy to name… I am a failure in everything. I could see clearly in my head that it would be a phone call of silence. It isn’t someone to talk me out of anything that I want, it is just that someone is there.

But that is a problem, too. For I ran down a list of people in my mind and imagined calling them. I hated it. For some on my list of friends, I hated calling because I feel like I’ve reached out to them too much this year. For others on the list I feel hypocritical because what right have I to call them, when I’ve had little to no contact with them in the past year.

A thought keeps in my mind. I imagine my sister, and how hurt she would be if I were dead. Causing that pain to her hurts me. So I do not think about it any longer. Why would I do that to people I love?

Another thought comes to mind. What sort of death would make people proud? I imagine the Vikings, charging into battle, unafraid of death, welcoming Valhalla. Though sad, how proud would their kin be? Risk taking behavior here seems alluring. I had once thought this was a cowardly way out, for someone unable to do the deed himself. But now I see it as serving two functions. First, it alleviates some of the types of suffering from loved ones left behind, particularly those associated with guilt or shame. Second, it would allow a person to act, in some way, no matter how small, defiant. In a world that is unjust, this was a final statement to life. You can shove it up your ass.

A friend has asked me recently that, if she is unable to find a mate, would I consider fathering a child with her in two years. I answered yes. Now, however, I question this decision. I have failed at my own life. What am I to do with another person? How can I protect and provide for another if I can’t do so for myself?

I just cannot seem to answer the question of why.

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