Open up to the knife

I got a new tarot deck a couple of weeks ago. It was used. But I liked the whimsy nature of the cards, and so I got them anyway. At home, I put them order, looked at each card’s artwork, and let them sit for a while.

Saturday I took a reading. I used a spread from the LWB, a simple one that appealed to my love of elegance.

Top Left: What strengthens me

The Fool: Willingness to take risk and seek growth

Top Right: What I’m lacking

Reversed Eight of Pentacles: Motivation and discipline

Bottom Left: What external obstacles are there

Nine of Pentacles: Stability in emotional and financial areas

Bottom Right: What can help remove obstacles

Reversed Two of Cups: Love. Being cherished. As above so below

This made a lot of sense to me. This was definitely barking up my tree. A strength of mine, I believe, is a strong Fool nature. I identify with the Trickster a lot, and there is much similarity between the two. Motivation has been a struggle for months now, but I feel that the worst is behind me. I’ve made much headway into moving forward, creating structure and rhythms, and a schedule. I’m a bit befuddled on how to read reversed cards in a negative stance. Position two is what I’m lacking, so it seems redundant as to what a reversed card means. It doesn’t ring true for me that this is extra lacking in this sense. Like I said, I feel like I’ve started to come out of my funk.

The obstacles rings true. This has been my main hurdle for a year now, since I’ve dated T. But even so, I’ve made strides and have slowly moved myself back towards a saner position. I’m less volatile than a year ago. But it is still a worry in the back of my mind. It lingers. So the obstacle is still very real.

The one that befuddled me was the bottom right, what can help remove obstacles. The phrase that stands out here is to be cherished.

Two weeks ago I did an impromptu 3 rune reading and an inverted Mannaz came up for the present. It was a mystery to me. To the past was Kennaz, which was the rune I drew when I met B, and I was a bit relieved to see the Eihwaz to the right. But an inverted Mannaz threw me for a loop. I pondered that for two weeks and nothing came to mind.

In the space of that two weeks I felt a spark of attraction for a pretty lady. I don’t know if this is related.

Back to the present. I went out on a hike, the first one since Spring. It was Eostre and I was going to do a simple blot out in the forest. I walked up and down the mountain, through trails and roads. I was thinking of lots of things. Of nothing. Of the past two relationships. Over the past six months I had beaten myself up for allowing myself to be crushed. I was over the pain of the last breakup three months ago, but the lingering doubt was still there. I was cast aside as though I were no better than dogshit. And it hurt. It was easy, to believe that I was pretty worthless. Again, it lingers still. But as I walked the path through the trees, a solitary raven flew overhead. Its gawk sound could be heard above the grey blanket of clouds that hung low between the hills. I wondered about openness. I had opened myself up. I knelt before the altar of Lilith and allowed my neck to be cut. Strange symbology of cutting a neck, for that is a sacrifice. It isn’t mercy, it is a killing. Mercy is another wound in another part of the body. The neck is not a loving cut. I had willingly entered into that circle and gave my neck to B to cut.

The raven was still overhead. I saw the image of Yggdrasil in my mind and what would it be like to hang on that tree? The Fool begins to walk down the path, and the Hanged Man see with a new perspective. This new perspective comes only after sacrifice, and that is only after openness to the unknown. For a true sacrifice there is no safe word. In the pushing past the known horizon does one gain new eyes.

And I saw, then, my willingness to truly open myself up in vulnerability as a great strength. For I am still alive. I’ve hurt. I’ve doubted myself a great deal. I’ve been a recluse and have lost for a few months the ability to connect with other people. But in the end I opened up and gave all that I had. The last two people were incapable of receiving me, of holding space for me for long. Fear overcame love. But while one twisted everything in me, and the other tossed me aside, I lived.

So it is that I am wondering, looking, for how I can open up once more, to the possibility of another. For to be open to being cherished by another is difficult to do when fear rules. I cannot allow myself to live in avoidance of another’s fear, never letting another in, never allowing one hold the knife against my throat. To open myself up to the possibility of being cherished by another, something that at this moment feels like an alien concept, I’m not truly sure I can experience that right now, I need to open myself up to letting them hurt me. The vulnerability for both is the same.

But it is still a mystery. At this point I do not understand Mannaz. I not understand Two of Cups. In other readings and omens, the idea of connection to others comes up and it feels like a mystery still.

So I keep moving forward. I am deeply flawed. Many days it is all that I can see of myself when I look into the mirror. But I’m slowly changing the language from flaws to differences. I’ve got great gifts to offer, if someone happens to like the types of differences that I have. I am loyal, and fiercely protective of those I love.

I will end with a dream that I had a week ago. It woke me up and has remained a mystery.

I dreamt that I had met and started dating someone. I never saw her in the dream because she died of illness. She made a video asking me to take care of her kids. All six of them. The enormity of this hit me like a ton of bricks. In my dream I walked outside and sat on the ground, to mourn the loss of her and my old life. I was letting the emotions go through me before I was to start the path of taking care of six kids. But then I found myself surrounded by the kids who all gave me a group hug.

And then I woke. I’ve not figured out the meaning of this dream yet.

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